A Diaper Bag Haiku

Satchel that eludes;
Carry our stuff with ease
Look like a million bucks

Kvetching...

I now have maybe 4 different bags going.
I am deeply tormented.
Could it be a distraction from the rest of life? Who knows.

But here's the new dilemma:
Spencer is growing and growing.
How much longer will I need this bag?
I'll freakin' buy the bag and then I won't need it anymore.
I'm sick from it. SICK I tell you!

Oh no wait, I'm stir crazy because Spencer has been sick since his 6 month appt on 11/29. He had diarrhea (I hate that word. I can NEVER spell it right the first time) and then got a cold too. We've been home ALOT lately.

In the meantime, if you or anyone you know has any information about that Kalencom bag or you've seen a review, PLEASE contact me immediately!

Of Diaper Bags and The Blow Out

Ok, one quick thing about a diaper bag, cause I think I may have found IT.
I need help though.
Here's the bag:




It's by a company called Kalencom. I linked to it in case the image doesn't show here.

I really like it, but I don't know anyone who has one, nor do I know where I can go see it for myself. I don't wanna order it and then not like it and have to return it!!!

SO, if you know someone who has this bag, or you've seen it (do not confuse this with the Mothership Bag by Fleurville - see my other post about that one) in person, PLEASE contact me IMMEDIATELY! Thank you.

Ok, now on to the Blow Out...

I don' t have a whole lot to say, cause it's just gross and I don't feel like rehashing how my son's butt burned out my nasal passages, but I think I have mastered removing the diaper without getting poop on clothes. Here's what I did, for those who seem to be doing way more laundry than they'd like:

• Carry the baby to the changing area like a football - don't hold her up in your arms with arms around under her butt - you're going to smush it all around in there!
• When you get the baby there, keep him standing up (if standing) and take off shoes, socks, pants/bottoms and unsnap onesie if wearing one. Pull up any shirts and/or onesie.
• Put wipes down on changing surface under baby while holding her still standing. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT her sit or lie down now(on back or tummy!). You're still risking major nastiness.
• Carefully undo his diaper. If you have to hold his arms down, just keep your arms around him as you do it (my son has a habit of grabbing his "boys" whenever the diaper comes off). Since you can't see what's in there yet, it's better safe then sorry. Pull the diaper down and away.
• Grab another wipe, try to get what you can off the baby and then lay her gently down on the changing surface with her butt on the wipe you laid out.
• Get to work and clean up that baby!

Ok so I'm all impressed with my new skill. I bet I'm the only one who hadn't figured it out. This week was the first time he ever had it happen, so I have an excuse. Wish I could put one of those idiotic toothy smiley faces here now. Instant Messenger has messed me all up for good.

Oh, a passing thought...
Does the pediatrician's office keep a record of every time you call, even when nothing comes of it? Just wondering...

The Perfect...
Part I: Diaper Bag

I can't find it. I simply cannot. How can childbirth and childrearing be the oldest institution next to prostitution and the bag does not exist?
Could it be that Google is imperfect and does not know how to find me this wondrous contraption? Is it only created for haute couture runway shows and bigtime celebrities?
Does Madonna have one? If she does then so does Gwynneth.
Then Julia will have TWO for her twins. Bitches.

I bet if Oprah did she'd have given them away to her whole audience by now.
Well actually, she did give one away - I think it was the "Mothership" bag by Fleurville

I warn you, I am obsessed. I am likely to ramble on here, so if you don't give a toot about diaper bags, move on.

Here are the problems with that bag:
1. Flap closure - too much work when you need to get to something fast.
2. No zipper closure to main compartment - Not secure from prying hands
3. Non-adjustable strap - We need that flexibility for different activities
4. No separate compartment for mom's stuff OR detachable bag for mom
5. Price - It's $160.00. I'm sorry but that's discouraging

These 5 things in variation are usually the main deficiencies in all bags. And if it's not one of these things, it's size or style. Some of the most organized bags are REALLY ugly and boring.

This is about the closest thing I've found so far: Loom Bandicoot
It's still too small though!

Here's the one I have: Skip Hop
It's not bad, but there are zipper compartments at the top and anything wide inside those pockets makes it hard to get to anything inside the main compartment. Also, it's taller than it is wide so everything sits on top of eachother. I think that makes the bag feel heavier, and it doesn't stand on it's own very easily.

I could go on and on about this. I usually do every night - I've found myself online just searching. Last night I even went international - looking for Nappy Bags and Changing Bags (that's the terms for them in the UK). I need help. I really do.

I have figured that by the time I actually find this bag, Spencer will be done with diapers, so is there even a point?

With a bit of a mind flip
You're into the time slip.
And nothing can ever be the same.
You're spaced out on sensation.
Like you're under sedation...

Let's do the time-warp again!

Well, that about encompasses my life from my last post until some time in September.

I may start a separate "chapter" about the lovely effects of Post Partum Depression, but I've decided that in this journal, it doesn't have a place. There are too many ridiculous events, anecdotes and observations for me to spend time bemoaning the loss of my mind for two or three months due to hormonal imbalances.

Some say having PPD (that's the cool way to say PostPartum Depression by the way) is just like having a disease or broken bone. You treat it and you get better and it heals. Well I think I'm off the crutches now and out of bed. I just get some soreness and when it rains I can feel it in my joints...?

Well since I don't remember all that much about the end of the summer, let's start fresh, shall we? I'm sure I'll have flashbacks as we go along.

Stay tuned for My Adventure with Spencer.

Glad to be back!

Blues Clues

I read that 60-80 percent of moms get Baby Blues - mild erratic behavior and crying in the first few weeks postpartum, and that another 20 percent will develop some version of full on depression. I figured the Baby Blues was inevitable - remember the scene in Look Who's Talking when Kirstie Alley is watching a Hallmark commercial and is crying? I was sure that would be me. I actually did cry once at a commercial during my pregnancy.

Now it's 10 weeks later and I cry because I let my son watch "Elmo's World" on Sesame Street. I cry because I miss palling around with my dog. I cry because I don't look like a cute, sassy 34 year old in my Beetle - there's a teddy bear mirror in the backseat for the carseat. I cry because the only going "out" I do is to the supermarket. The other night, I was so mental, my husband sent me to Borders to get a book about Buddhism. I'll be "reflecting" on things for awhile.

Here are a few things to watch for if you haven't already been frequenting Postpartum Support Web sites...

• A feeling similar to stage fright that happens after someone else has been watching the baby and is now leaving you alone
  
• Jealousy when your partner seems to be getting more smiles from the baby than you do
• Guilt feelings over things like letting the baby sleep "too long" after a feeding because you were doing something around the house or taking "too long" a long shower when your partner is clearly home and happy to be with the baby
• They say rest when your baby does and you laugh maniacally because when will you get the laundry done, shower, eat, pee, etc?
• A physical urge to run as far away from your house as you can and never look back
  
• A compelling need to powwow with other moms

What's funny is that I'm trying to think of more clever things to say but they appear really serious, so what I think I'm trying to say overall is that it may not just be "Blues".
Sheesh, that's serious too.

I think what I can say at this point is that the way I feel now will be alot funnier in a few months. How's that?

Tick Tock

I'm afraid to write right now. My son is asleep in the next room, but I hear noises through the audio monitor and I'm terrified he'll wake up before I've had a chance to take care of a couple of other things I have to do. I'd like to get a nap in too.

It's 950pm. Guy is working - he has a hearing, a brief due and union negotiations tomorrow. Spencer and I have Yoga. Seems like nothing doesn't it?

I was just reading over my posts from BS - Before Spencer. It seems like years ago. We had family over today and were talking about an email Guy sent to our respective mothers a couple of days after we came home from the hospital. He said it seemed like years ago.

My concept of time has changed forever. There isn't any. There's too much. It moves too fast and it moves too slowly.

If I don't have plans I go crazy, if I have plans, nothing gets done at home. I have to prioritize what I can do now and what I can do with a baby in my arms. I have to estimate when I can pump or should pump in relation to when Spencer might need to feed at night or when I can put him someplace for 15 minutes.

I need to start tracking when he eats and sleeps because in a week he starts daycare twice a week. I'm going back to work mid-August, but I'll have 4 days where he'll be out of this house for 6 hours and I have nothing planned for myself. What will I do during that time?

We spend most of our time now discussing him or my mental state - I'm dealing with some postpartum issues and that's time consuming too...

It's amazing how anxious I was to have my son. I was in such a hurry to get him out because I was so uncomfortable. I have lost a good deal of my pregnancy weight, carpal tunnel gone, I can wear my wedding rings, and I can almost fit back in most of my old shoes. Time is slowly bringing my body back...I don't know if I'll ever look the same, but at least I'm feeling a little more human now that I can wear regular underwear again.It's time to dump the "granny" panties.

I've spent 10 + minutes writing. I made the choice to take my precious free time and use it to document the changes of the moment - although there are so many I need much more time to get into what's happening. Cryptic, eh?
No time to elaborate. Maybe when he starts truly sleeping through the night...

New Parent Central UPDATE!

A coupla weeks ago I listed some helpful tips, etc.
I mentioned the use of Kleenex as a good pee blocker for your new little man.
Well, it couldn't be more timely...one of the gals in the playgroup I joined recommended this little product: The Weeblock.   

It's hilarious and I think I need one.

Just thought I'd get it on here quick for anyone who's discovered WMU (Weapons of Mass Urination) in their homes.

:)

"Who Is They?"

Pregnant women pay attention:

When you have information to discuss with your significant other about advice you've been given, or research you've found, or helplful hints you read in a magazine, BE PREPARED TO BACK IT UP.

During a "playgroup"** walk with some other new mommies yesterday, I learned that I was not the only one forced on the defensive when trying to tell my husband something we should or shouldn't be doing for the baby.

Guy is an attorney - more specifically a trial lawyer, so it isn't surprising that he can be argumentative when I try to present other ways of doing things. But, when I heard that all the other moms present were experiencing the same thing with their partners, I realized there must be more to it than professional background.

Noone wants to be told they're doing something wrong. Now add a "with a baby" to that sentence. Now change it to "with THEIR baby", and it's pretty hot stuff. If you try to tell your mate it's not a good idea to mix milk and formula and feed it to the baby, you better know clinically why, and where you got the information and you should probably know how recently the source reported it.

If you don't have the facts, you better be prepared to eat your words and go back to playing "i got your nose" with the baby for now. Your mate will look at you like you're nuts and tell you there is no justification for what you've said and you will be dismissed. Invoking "a Mother's Intuition" is useless here and will only be acceptable when you've solved something without your partner's involvement, so don't even go there.

You'll be tired and cranky and emotional and post-partumed and feel like it's not fair for your partner to treat you with such disdain, but it's only your partner's way of trying to feel in control of the situation, seeing as how you carried your baby for 9 months and may have a stronger connection in some ways. Plus, your partner may have had more sleep than you and may be more able to think clearly, so it's not necessarily a bad thing to be challenged.

Ugh, when did this become an advice column?
Anyway, just be careful when presenting new information. That's all I'm sayin'.

_______________________________
**"Playgroup" - All of our babies are barely old enough to keep their heads up and can only focus on us for about 10 minutes straight; they can't even really see other babies yet. The term "playgroup" is used here to define a group of new mothers getting together with their babies, who are in strollers. The mommies walk and talk while the babies nap and look cute.

Preparing to Merge

Yesterday was my first social/learning activity with Spencer with other mommies. We started YogaBabies class. It's down in South Philly and it went really well despite the wicked standstill backup on 76 (typical and sucky).

Imagine that - I'm on my way to yoga class for spiritual and physical improvement and I'm challenged by insane traffic patterns on the way. A real test of fortitude for sure. Not to mention that Spencer starting crying 'cause we weren't moving.

Have I mentioned I have control issues? It's becoming more and more evident.
If I get anything out of motherhood besides all the standard stuff, it'll be an overhaul of my...hmmm, what do I call it? My...psychiatric state? My well-being? Ah, I know...My capacity to tolerate the unknown.

What's really funny is how desperate I am to talk with other moms - to commiserate on topics far and wide, to trade tips and advice, to make plans to get together more often with our little ones to while away the hours as they grow and learn. When I got to the class and a fellow classmate asked how old Spencer was, I was elated. I felt like I was someplace I was supposed to be. The other moms looked like me! I've really been in the house too long.

Last week we went to a local park and I spread out a blanket and put him on it with me while I read, etc. Another mom showed up with who I think was her mother and a little baby... I found myself sitting up to check out what was going on - they were like 100 yards away. I wondered "Will they see me? Will they come over?" I mean nothing could be more ridiculous; I was sitting in the middle of the park on the grass under a tree with Spence, and they were yards away on the walking path, sitting on a bench. There was no reason at all for there to be interaction, other than my curiosity and need to interact. I held Spencer up to look around and in the back of my mind was going "I wonder if they'll see that I have 'one' like they do and come over" -like I was showing him off like a little prize or a beacon.

Then I started wondering about protocols when meeting other moms. When is appropriate to approach one? How long do you talk before you decide you want to meet for a playdate or something? How do you know you even have anything you want to socialize about other than your babies? Do all new moms have these questions and feel this way? In class yesterday the one mom who asked about Spencer was really cool and in the back of my head I was thinking "I'd like to ask her to hang out" ...and I'd JUST met her! This doesn't happen in life regularly when you're out. I think it's a mom thing, or something. Or, I'm just insane.

Well, today I'll get to find out jusst how insane I really am. Today we're going to a "playgroup". Hilarious really because the most playing Spence is doing these days involves staring at the overhead fan in the kitchen and smiling and half-laughing like a fiend.

Spence had his first giggle on July 10. It's so friggin cute - his little mouth opens, lips thin out and form a heart shape, his tongue sticks out a little and his eyes squint and this little "HA" sound comes out - and he wriggles his body. He's so cute. I can't stand it. He's cuter than the kids in the yoga class. I can't help it. Do all mothers think this? I mean other kids are cute, but he's just SO cute. He's the perfect baby. I'm sorry, but he is. Maybe when he's older I won't feel this way, but right now I'm really convinced.

He's sleeping right now - friggin cutie. I love my little bug.

New Parent Central (or More Enlightenment)

Now that I'm an experienced parent of over one month (HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!), I'm heading into straight on "advice"** territory....

-Get a small screwdriver. Get a flat head and a phillips head.
Why? All the battery operated toys, mobiles, sleep aids and monitors have removable panels with screws. No simple clip on panels here folks. The makers are worried your child will develop an taste for Duracell.

-If you're going to use a Baby Bjorn or some other kind of non-sling baby carrier, it's a good idea to have pants for the baby - to protect little legs from chafing and/or getting cold. Also, see my last item about socks...

-Boppy or some other horseshoe shaped pillows are key for feeding and holding the baby. They support the baby around you and they are also good to prop him/her up on their own. I highly recommend this purchase.

-Your baby has ear wax and long fingernails and toe cheese just like you do. Remember to gently clean and clip the baby. I mean besides the baths you give them...it's "detailing" for humans.

-Kleenex=Best way to prevent pee attacks (unless they've created a baby penis shield to put on boys during diaper changes). Stock up on Kleenex if you have a son and keep them by your diaper changing area. Guy would have been blind and/or dead the other day if urine was a weapon. Spencer peed in his face and all over him because he did not have the Kleenex at the ready.

-Breastfeeding?
Find nursing bras in colors if you can. Currently the standard is white for some reason. Perhaps the makers and corporate buyers of nursing bras think we're all virginal and only walk around in pretty nursing gowns all day, but see how pretty YOU feel with big chunk white bra straps leering out from beneath that cute summery top(that actually fits your newly preg-less shape). Here's a company that makes them in colors: Bravado.
I just bought two on sale at Belly Maternity (Read the article about them in Philadelphia Business Journal) on 16th & Pine in Center City, and they ROCK.

-Back exercises: Do them NOW. Do them often. Do whatever you can. You will use your back more than any other muscle in your body, other than your mouth. I am not referring to labor. I am referring to the fact that you are now the moving and carrying mechanism for your baby. You may also be the rocking-to-sleep mechanism and you will be on your feet quite a bit with this new little load on your hands.

-Do not decide the baby's feeding schedule in the middle of the night when one spouse/partner is asleep.

-When you go to the doctor's office, you'll have to wait to see the doctor so be prepared for crying, etc. Bring something to do maybe. Also, bring a blanket to the doctor's office. They make you undress the baby to his diaper and it's cold in there and they make you wait in the exam room too.
(Why should it be any different from when you go yourself?)

-Make sure you can fit the baby's stroller/travel system into the car.
(We have a VW Beetle and didn't realize it wouldn't fit until it was too late)

-Baby socks should have elastic around the openings. Little "footies" don't stay on; they get cast off by little baby feet.

________________________________________________
**Disclaimer: "Advice", meaning suggestions from my personal experience. I am not a professional advice-giver, nor do I profess to be. Take this "advice" at your own risk. It's not my fault if you like wearing nursing gowns or get injured by a renegade baby sock.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED

Spencer and I have been going for daily walks around the neighborhood.

Two days ago, on the way to a small local park, I passed a woman walking a toddler in a stroller. She was very polite to move aside on the sidewalk so I could pass and I pondered the possibility of a social interaction, seeing as how we were both women walking children in strollers in the park and everyone tells me walking your infant in a stroller is more of a social thing for adult than for the baby. Minutes later, I stopped along the path in the park to nudge Spencer out of his stroller stupor to see if he'd take in any of the sights around him.

The woman approached with the toddler happily sucking away on a sippy cup.

The woman cooed at Spencer from just behind our park bench, and with what sounded like a Jamaican accent, asked "Ah you tryin' ta wake 'im up?"

"Yes", I said, smiling. "He was awake all night and I'm trying to move his nap schedule to a little later in the day".

"Awww, let 'im sleep.", she responded sweetly.

My spider senses tingled and I suspected that besides being obnoxious for giving a complete stranger advice about what to do with a child, this woman had other things on her mind...

She came over with the young lady in the stroller, who happened to be very adorable with big brown eyes and brown curly hair. I think she was about 2.
She sat down next to me and we proceeded to have a conversation I cannot remember now due to sleep deprivation and general lack of interest, but the subject of sleep schedules came up and she did mention that this toddler's parent tried different things with sleep as well, and also gave me a brief rundown of the little girl's sleep schedule. I correctly surmised that this woman was the toddler's nanny, and winced internally with the thought of what might come next in our conversation.

Then she dropped the bomb: "So do you have a babysitter?"

Luckily for her I anticipated such a question and didn't skip a beat. "Nope, it's just me for now. I'm not working. Just enjoying my time with him. But thanks for asking". We exchanged a few more pleasantries and then I made like a tree and got out of there.

EEEEEYECCCHHHHHH!

Could I have felt any more awkward?
Maybe, if she'd handed me a BROCHURE!
A sales pitch in the middle of a park with little ones around? Oy.
Nevermind that she was so keen to just drop advice on me without being asked.
Who told her that uninvited expression of your opinion is a good way to make an impression on a potential client?

So now I can add pushy nannies to my list of annoying things; along with spam, telemarketers, flyers on my car, and junk mail.

------------------------------------

Yesterday I took Spencer to see his daddy at work.
It's a little drive into Center City which Spencer has not seen yet cause he always sleeps in the car. Funny how everything I seem to do with him involves him sleeping through it.

Anyway, I parked in the garage near Guy's office, got Spence all set up in his stroller and we made our way two blocks to the building on Walnut where he keeps shop. Standing in the elevator in Guy's building, some young women got in with us and remarked at Spencer's cuteness (How could you not? He's gorgeous). Two got out on one floor, leaving just me and one other woman in the elevator.
"How old is he?"
"Six weeks" said I, smiling like a dope as usual. "He's my big boy."
"Wow", she said, looking at him again. "First time mother?"
"Yup" I said, still smiling goofily.

Then as her floor approached, she inquired, "So how do you like Motherhood?"

HUH? I didn't know what to say. It's like having someone ask you "So, how do you feel about God versus Evolution?" Who has the time to answer a question like that quickly in an elevator?

As I stumbled to find words, the doors opened on her floor. Suddenly, it felt like someone smacked me on the back of the head and I blurted out: "I love it!"

She smiled and got off and I think she said "Good for you" or "Good luck" or some other congratulatory remark. I smiled and waited for the doors to close again, at which time I believe my face scrunched up into a full squint.

I was dumbfounded. How did I like Motherhood?
Why was I not prepared to answer this question without rolling my eyes?
The only thing I could think was that it was hard and a little overwhelming right now.
I was not about to say this to a total stranger, anymore than I was about to hire someone I met in the park to be my son's caretaker.

Sales pitches I can handle, but semi-rhetorical questions about parenting have got me scrambling. How does having a child make you a target for probing inquiries into your existence? Does someone do this to every new mom?
I can tell you all you want to know about poop and bathing and socks, but please do not ask me to tell you what I think about all this. My head might explode.

Maybe once I get used to my husband's breathing next to me in bed again(currently it eliminates my ability to hear my son in the next room and makes me insane), I'll be able to think about what I think of my life as a mom.

I will say with confidence that I totally and completely love my baby boy.
So for now, if he is the definition of Motherhood, then I love it for sure.

Getting the Hang of It?

I'm a little down today because I'm feeling better.

Yesterday I took Spencer into work to see Guy. It was a good little trip and I haven't been in Center City for awhile. I certainly noticed there were all these people out at lunch and it was amazing how many people weren't with children.

I'm chatting with my husband online as I write this and I was just saying to him that I missed being childless. I noted my lack of funds and how it was too hot to go anywhere today and also how I didn't have anywhere to go with Spencer right now and that maybe next week I could walk him around the mall in the stroller. He said this: "...you need to see thngs differently than you do, there are parks the river towns all kinds of places, but you think in terms of malls..."

Damn.
That's frigging profound.
My whole perspective on activity needs to include another person now.

We've also been talking about my role and how Spencer is not just my son but my job. My job that doesn't seem to end when Guy comes home. That sucks. I now have developed much more respect for stay-at-home moms. I mean, I don't know if it gets easier or harder or how much it depends on you and the child, but this is really hard. It's even harder to keep it in perspective.

When I was pregnant, I would say "Well, it's not like I'll have anywhere else to be. I will dedicate myself to my baby boy. How hard can that be?"
I was right - I DON'T have any place else to be. This really doesn't have to be a big deal. or DOES it? It's all about that delicate matter of perspective. The challenge of all this isn't about parenting, per se. It's about keeping your whole life in perspective - your future goals, your past, your hang-ups, your stress points, your desires, your freedom, your fears...it all changes. It has to change.

We interrupt this ponderance for a Mental Fart:

Right now I'm listening to a music channel on the satellite instead of watching tv. It's called "Soundscapes". You can pretty much guess what it is...atmospheric, often Celtic flavored sounds and music, to place yourself in that foresty-earthy-fairy-like "Lord of the Rings" type mood. I put it on because one of those child development books suggests music or sounds like it to have on around the baby. Spencer is napping away in his bouncy seat to the beat of a harp and flute. Right now there's a flutey version of something that reminds me of "She's Leaving Home" by the Beatles. If you're interested, it's called "Gardens of the Sun" by someone or some group called Georgia Kelly. Oy vey.

Oh also, today I watched Days of Our Lives for the first time in like 10 years or more. Acting=BAD, Plot Lines=Really Bad, Makeup=THE WORST!
I swear, one actor's face and neck were one flesh color and his chest was reddish - his real skin tone. It was painful to see. Then again, I watched Dr. Phil yesterday. How do they get all that makeup around that mustache? Yech. People on TV wear so much makeup, it's astounding. I've done some on camera work and it's incredible how much makeup they put on you. Everytime I watch tv and people hug, I wonder how they keep from getting makeup on eachother's clothing.

Know who else wears too much makeup? Bob Barker. I've taken to Price is Right. I don't know why, but it's fun to try to figure out how much hot tubs, old school styled bedroom sets and trips to Tahiti cost. People are dumb though. When the final bid showdown comes up, people almost always underbid by thousands and thousands. How much do you think a new Ford SUV and trip to say Puerto Vallarta in Mexico cost? At LEAST 30K, right? People on the show bid like 20K and think they're close when Bob reads 43K on the card.
Ahhh, if only I was the bidder!

It's time to wake up Spencer from his afternoon nap. He really is a little angel baby. We decided this last night. Now if only he'd poop.

Nice Lungs(Continued) and Baby Zen

I've been spending quite alot of time getting to know my son.
One real challenge has been learning his cries.
All the books about child rearing have paragraphs dedicated to fussiness and crying. One thing I see repeatedly is how I am supposed to be able to tell the difference between hungry cries, pain cries, fussy cries, "change my diaper" cries, and so forth.

So far I can tell when his diaper is wet and when he's hungry. Everything else sounds like he's in incredible pain or hates me (see post below from Sunday for more on relentless crying).

Last night, Guy was working late so I took on dinner and caring for Spence while we waited. Magically at around 630pm, Spencer started what I refer to as "Something Is Bothering Me But For The Life of Me I Don't Know What" crying. He was off and on with the crying and by 8pm I had to take drastic measures or I would not have dinner ready for Guy. I read an article on crying and fussiness from the Mayo Clinic on CNN.com

I put Spence down in his bassinet and planned to leave him there for 15-20 minutes to see if he'd cry himself to sleep or calm down. I had the baby monitor on in the kitchen and watched Crying Spencer TV for 20 minutes while making spaghetti. It was intensely frustrating to say the least. Why would I subject myself to this? I don't know. I couldn't turn it off. He'd cry and scream and then calm down, take a few breaths and start all over again. Now THAT'S reality tv.

At the end of the 20 minutes I made Guy and I a plate of food each, wrapped in in tin foil and ran upstairs to check Spencer and make sure all was well other than the screaming. As I picked him up to check his diaper, Guy came home. Spencer seemed calm and normal to him, which is of course how it works when you're home all day with your baby. However, Spencer did calm just enough for us to eat and then operated on "semi-fussy" mode until his next feeding at 930.

My experience suggests that it may have been ok to let him cry. My gut and emotional oversensitivity suggests that it might be smart to take a Percoset 20 minutes before I do it again so that I don't feel like a terrible mother.

I've been so wrapped up in the day-to-day minutiae that I've had trouble getting to write about the little things...like today when I took him to the doctor for a check up (11.5 lbs and 23 inches, thank you very much) and he was a perfect little angel the whole time, and then took him to visit my old boss and he seemed to take to new environments without a fuss. I'm proud of my little man. Or how in the mornings I wake up bleary and tired but then my son's little adorable face is awake and bright and I'm filled with a ton of love for him like I can't explain.

There's also something Guy said that really stuck with me relating to my own personal neuroses: When you have a baby there are things that have to be done. There can be no worrying or projecting about it, it just has to be done and that's all there is. It makes one much calmer ultimately because there's no time to alternately wonder and worry. So, what will I do if he gets hungry when we're out? Feed him. What will I do if his diaper is wet? Change him. How and Where and When, etc. will fall into place. With a baby, certain things just are, and that's all.



Sunday June 13
Nice Lungs

It is 850pm, Sunday night. My son has been in his bassinet crying for the last 15-20 minutes. My husband and I are letting him cry. Guy has a hearing on Tuesday he has to prepare for and I am exhausted and need to rest cause he has to be in at work early tomorrow morning and neither of us can figure out what needs to be done for our son.

We're hating ourselves. Spencer has been fed, taken for a walk, changed repeatedly, put in warm clothes and swaddled. If we pick him up to carry him around he stops crying briefly then starts again. It's amazing.

I once had a voice teacher who explained to me how when we're children, our voices are pure and unaffected by self-consciousness; we scream with abandon when we have needs, regardless of who hears us. Our voices are strong because they come from deep within us and we have no conscious plan to scream. It just comes as we breathe. Amazingly as we grow and become self-aware, we also lose a little of our voices because thought comes into it - how loud we speak, how we hold our bodies: Women more specifically because of the attention brought by our upper bodies. Women actually tend to be a little more protective and hunch the shoulders.

Right now, my son is screaming and crying with that abandon and it's breaking my heart. I want to hold him and comfort him and I know it won't really do any good, will it? My instincts tell me to go to him and I have no idea if I'm spoiling him or not. It's killing me. Time to call some friends for a consensus...

All Roads Lead to Fussytown

Parenting an infant means today may very well be absolutely NOTHING like the day before.

Yesterday Spencer spent almost the entire day crying to the point of utter hysteria. The normal obsession with his bladder and colon behavior became consumption as he did not have a movement all day. I cursed Guy for changing formulas in the middle of the night (he seems to take measures I do not approve of when I am sleeping), and cursed the whole day as I could not take a shower or really do anything without crying. I couldn't leave his side basically and it was horrible - I could have let him cry cause everyone tells you to - that infants just need to cry, but I couldn't stand it. I worried that something was hurting or making him uncomfortable and I didn't want him to be alone. I was like a zombie by the time Guy came home and he insisted that I take time for myself and actually go somewhere. I didn't know if I could actually leave the house, but then he pooed. This relieved me so much I cried. Infact, I sobbed with joy.

I then went out for my first drive alone since I was pregnant. It's been almost a month since I drove my car. It was weird getting out. I felt like an astronaut landing on the moon. It was also 9pm at night and I was exhausted.

All I wanted to do was pick up some wheat bread. On two separate occasions during my recovery and seclusion, both my mother and my husband tried to go out and get some wheat bread with the groceries and they both brought back the kind which is full of grainy nuggets.
YUCK.

First stop was Borders, where Guy and I should be treated like royalty at this poing for all the money we've spent there over the last 5 years. I walked in and as I made my way to the magazine rack to look for Q, I suddenly realized I haven't read anything (save an article in the NY Times about David Sedaris while eating a bowl of cereal) in like two weeks.
I walked around the store trying to imagine what I would possibly be sitting down to enjoy any time soon. I bought some poetry by Bukowski (it is my mission to own every book of his), Sid & Nancy and This Is Spinal Tap on DVD. Oh, and some thank you cards, and a little book for Spencer. Normally I'd figure out all sorts of stuff, but I couldn't really think. I felt I'd be more useful if I went and picked up groceries we needed. I don't think I've ever been so conscious of my use of time.

Going to the supermarket seemed much more logical when all was said and done.
Especially since I couldn't get the wheat bread out of my mind. I also picked up more pacifiers since the ones we have keep finding refuge in Guy's bathrobe pockets. I think I could probably spend much more time at Superfresh or Genuardis than in Borders.

When I came home, Spencer was sleeping and Guy was working. I was delerious.
Guy thought he'd discovered that Spencer absolutely prefers to be wrapped up tightly in a bundle. It seems to make him go to sleep. Not sure though. Every day we think we've figured out what it is that will keep him from screaming bloody murder. One day it's the sling. The next day it's a pinky. The day after that, Extreme Swaddling, today, I think it's the combination of all those things.

I will not acknowledge the "mix and match" formula and milk feedings as contributing to Spencer's ability to nap today. It appears I will have to stay up all night to make sure his late night feedings are kept consistent, otherwise, some people in this house might try Absinthe and hot chocolate.

One good note: We gave him his third bath last night, and he didn't cry a note. He was the perfect baby in the bath. I think mothers are more predisposed to osteoporosis due to the amount of shoulder shrugging they do.
It's all we seem to be able to do with these strange little lovey beings in our midst turning everything we know upside down.

Fashion Note for the day: Mothers need the fashionable equivalent of the toolbelt. Most sweatpants and leisurely outfits for home don't have pockets so you need something to be able to carry things like tissues and pacifiers etc. when you're up and about the house.

"Enlightenment"

Here are some "new mom proverbs" I wish to impart to you...

-When you find yourself in the bathroom brushing your teeth and realize you're in no hurry to check on the baby because someone else has him/her, pause and reflect.

-There are no support Web sites for Cesarean sections, hence there are no "Simple Exercises for Women Who've Had Cesarean sections" pages or advice columns.

-You too may experience a "flop over belly" after giving birth. Do not be afraid.

-Television is only helpful during breastfeeding because you don't have to try to hold it.

-New mothers and fraternity brothers have something in common:
Women who nurse are advised to drink at least 16 ounces of water at every feeding. If you couldn't "shotgun" a beer in college, you will be able to soon, as guzzling water will become as much a habit as belching.

-Try to get outside.

-The A-Line** is a good shape.

-If suddenly it's completely quiet in the house, it means you should probably be napping.

-It is difficult to nurse and not expose yourself. Decide early on how you feel about showing the world your breasts. OR, wait until you're in the hospital and nurses will help you decide by pulling your breasts out in front of whoever else happens to be in the room when you're supposed to attempt nursing.

-Try not to "hover".

-Music used in documentaries, nature programs or dramas with touching interludes will very likely cause unexpected emotions and tears. It is your body's way of tuning in to the "Hallmark Moment". This does not mean you should start collecting Hummel figurines.

-Children are the future, AND they are also a massive cause of pollution.
Why? DIAPERS.

_____________________________________________
**An A-line (or Princess) waistline is fitted at the bodice and then flares out to the skirt. This is one of the few waistlines that compliments virtually any body type.

My Life's Little Mysteries, Part I


1. Why can't I figure out what my incision looks like?
When standing, I have folds of skin from the pregnancy which obscure a clear view of the incision. Plus, there aren't actual stitches, there are steri-tape closures which look an awful lot like long strips of mini packing tape. I've laid down on the bed with a hand mirror to check it out, and still can't tell. Is that a good thing?

2. Where will all this skin on my belly go?
I basically carried a 9 pound being inside me for about a month. My skin is all stretched out, man! My mother says it'll take a few months for it to all shrink back down, but I have my doubts. You've seen those makeover shows where someone's had a stomach stapling and his or her body looks more like a Sharpei's than a human's.

3. Why is my 2 week old capable of feeding** every hour and how are my breasts keeping up?
Over the last two days he's gone from feeding every 3-4 hours to every 1-2 hours and fussing like a maniac otherwise. They say infants don't have a set pattern for the first month... NO SH&@!!

3a. Why is my husband still not really able to fathom the biology behind breastfeeding?
YOU try to explain to him what happens if I miss feedings without pumping or some other kind of release...

4. How is it possible that your washing machine can back up into your toilet?
This is mystery that could easily be solved by our plumber, which leads to the next mystery on our list:

5. Why did the plumber say he was coming this morning and then not show up?
I would not want this person as a member of my family - I'd be worrying where he was all the time. I hope my son has a little more common sense than to tell me he'll "be there" if he can't be.
___________________________________________________
**Guy doesn't like it when I refer to my son's eating habits as "feeding". He thinks it makes Spencer sound like an alien.

Home Alone


Ok, I'm not alone alone, but Guy is working a full day today, so it's just me here with the little one (who by the way is two weeks and a day old!). He's asleep at the moment cause he kept his Daddy up late last night fussin'.

I think I actually got sleep but you wouldn't know by looking at me. I look like a zombie. Guy says we've been lucky til now and now we're like all the other sleep deprived, exhausted parents.

My mother spent a week with us and is coming back again tomorrow. I am REALLY happy about that. She did more laundry in one week than I usually do in like a month. And this "recovering" crap is making the laundry pile up, as my son goes through one to 3 outfits a day with wet diapers and sometimes sheets and covers on our bed. I mean, we put the changing pad on the bed to protect the bed, but when a WMU (Weapon of Mass Urination) lets loose, NO linens are safe.

Having a baby is making me a morning person and I don't know how happy I am about this development. For instance, Spencer is feeding every day between 6 and 8 am. I start to wake up from it because he tends to spend 10-20 minutes on one breast, fall into Milk Stupor for 5 to 30 minutes then either feed on the other breast or I give up and he goes back to his crib and I pump. Then as this feeding pattern dictates, I know he will most likely be napping until about 10-1030 so once he's "down" it's the opportune time to take a shower.
It's now 130 and I'm so sleepy. He makes my day go pretty fast though.
He'll wake up in about 20 minutes I think.


Things I wonder: How will it be in a month or two when he starts being awake longer and becomes more mobile? How will I shower then? Strap him into his bouncy seat and make him sit in the bathroom in the steam? Yuck. What about a trip to the loo? Will I make him sit in the bouncy seat in the loo while I'm on the toilet? Yuck!

Breastfeeding is weird. Even weirder is that Guy has not been really able to grasp how it works. Last week I tried to explain how pumping can take the place of a feeding but that either way I have to be awake. It wasn't all that complicated, but he looked at me like I was speaking Cantonese. Speaking of which, I could go for some Lo Mein or something where I have to use chopsticks.

Anyway, he admitted that he had no idea what I was talking about. I've since tried to explain, but he still gets a fog over his eyes and looks at me blankly. All he wants is an extra bottle of breastmilk to have handy so he doesn't have to if Spencer gets hungry in the middle of the night. He doesn't care how it gets in the fridge.

Pumping your breasts for milk. That's a trip in and of itself. There is milk coming out of my body. MILK! I'm a cow. Almost every time I pump, all I can think of is Robert DeNiro saying to Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents:
"I've got nipples Greg, could you milk me?"

Oh, tidbit: Boppy pillows ROCK. You need them for breastfeeding. I'm telling you that now, Moms To Be. That includes YOU Julia Roberts, and you might want TWO since you're apparently having twins. Oy vey. She had to outdo everyone didn't she? I wonder how much weight she'll gain. OH and she's shooting Oceans 12 right now! She's only 9 weeks pregnant as of this posting supposedly, so I bet she's a party to work with. I guess George Clooney won't be chatting her up too much right now, huh? Oh don't give me that, you KNOW they hooked up a little on the first film. How could she NOT? It's GEORGE CLOONEY. I wonder if she read for Out of Sight. It was a Soderbergh film afterall. No matter. J Lo totally did it justice, so I can't see anyone else in the role of Karen Sisco...

Yes, I'm delirious. Don't expect any orderly postings for awhile until some kind of rhythm gets established. Right now things are about as offbeat as they can be. (Picture me smiling a big toothy grin right now).

Hey have you seen any pictures of my son?

Sleepless in Philadelphia on Memorial Day


"Oh sleep! It is a gentle thing,
Beloved from pole to pole."
  -Samuel Taylor Coleridge

"My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't
because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children."
  -Bill Cosby


I'm BAAAAACK.

not.

Spencer is sleeping. Breastmilk (is that one word or two?) has an opium-like effect on him. During feeding he goes into a nod-like stupor, not easily shaken off except by diaper changes, nasal aspiration or sometimes states of undress.

Spencer sleeps quite alot, but not by any real predictable pattern yet. He also eats alot, pees alot (often times all over everything if Kleenex is not properly positioned during a diaper change) and poops alot. He doesn't cry alot, I will say that. He seems to be very specific about crying.

I am operating on an average of about 4 hours of sleep here and there. So is Guy. I think he's actually napping right now and that's a good thing.

I've been thinking about how I wanted to write this entry - I wanted to take on bullet points - issues and myths, etc. I can only come up with one right now:

SLEEP DEPRIVATION.

I was so totally convinced going in that I'd be able to handle the loss of sleep since I'm not working. I thought and said repeatedly to various friends and family: "It's not like I have anywhere to go, I'll be fine, just sleepy"
I was under the impression that it wouldn't really get to me.
WRONG!

I had a C-section and part of this process is recovery and I'm supposed to be resting. SO, I don't have anywhere to go (infact I'm not allowed to drive for at least another week + half), but I'm supposed to sleep and rest and recover. You try to "rest" when your two week old wakes up crying or fussing and needs attending to and your partner is asleep, out, outside or away from the walkie talkie (we have to use walkie talkies cause I'm not supposed to make trips up and down the stairs)

MYTH ADVICE: Get all the sleep you can in the hospital, it's the only time you'll really get to rest

THAT IS A LOAD OF CRAP. You will not sleep in a hospital room because:

1. If you have any kind of complications or a c-section, someone will be coming into your room almost hourly to take your vital signs.

2. If you don't have complications, someone will be coming into your room almost hourly in relation to the following:

• breastfeeding


• photographs


• dining menu during your stay


• snacks


• paperwork (i.e., shaken baby syndrome, birth certificate, breastfeeding)


• resident check ups


• OB check ups

Not to mention visits, phone calls, etc.

3. The walls of your room are paper-thin. I could hear my "neighbor" turning on and off the light near her bed. People are talking about something day and night and you can hear them. You will hear them when you try to sleep.

4. You may be nursing your baby on demand (they bring him/her in from the nursery every 3 hours or so) or have him/her rooming in with you, so you'll be listening to him/her breathing and making little noises and you'll be afraid to sleep because you don't want to sleep through his/her crying.

So, Moms To Be, get sleep NOW. Get it all now. Write yourself little notes about sleep you enjoyed and read them back to yourself. Get a good 10 hours for no reason at all, and when you wake up, just lie there and indulge the possibility that you might not want to get up just yet.

At the moment, I am having auditory hallucinations - I keep thinking I hear Spencer crying from his crib in the next room. I have gone in to check on him 3 times and he's asleep. Guy is sitting with me now. I think it's the first time we've just sat alone together in two weeks. It's nice. Moms to Be, make sure to spend some quality alone time with your partners. My boss told me to go out to dinner as much as possible while pregnant. I second that advice.

Now, all this being said, I'm still as happy as I have ever been. When you have a little one in the house, it makes it virtually impossible to think about any personal neuroses or other unimportant drivel. The only things you think about are sleep, diapers, nursing, the baby's comfort and food.

Having a baby is worth it. It's worth it. I promise.

You just have to lose some sleep, and in the process try to remember to sleep when you can, if you can and remember that you are sleep deprived and that's why everything feels so funky and that it will pass.

Here Comes the Sun

My son Spencer is 5 days old today. He was born Monday, May 17 at 8:07am at Lankenau Hospital.

There's so much to say I don't even know where to start.

Let me just try...

I now understand why parents act like idiots.
I understand why they let their kids literally get away with murder and commit other heinous atrocities.

My son is amazing. He's the cutest most handsomest baby I ever saw. At a bathing class at the hospital on Wednesday, one of the other new mothers volunteered her son for the bath. I took one look at him and instantly determined that my son was better looking and much more interesting. I have no idea why. Some insane pride kicked in from I don't know where.

Also, I noticed myself talking to her baby like I talk to mine when he fretted during the demonstration. Also a reflex I cannot recall ever having before. I may even have spoken to my husband that way on the day we returned home.

I am highly emotional and deeply moved by the events of the last week. I am also the walking wounded due to the C-section. Any of you who know me will understand that right now I am as agitated as possible. My job for the next 2-3 weeks is to be a food source and to heal. I am more or less banished to the second floor of my house. Guy takes him outside to sit in the shade, walks him all over the house and is really looking forward to putting him in the Baby Bjorn for adventures. In fact, I've decided to share Guy's perspective for once. Below you'll read an email he sent to both our mothers Friday morning (May 21). I warn you, it's hilarious...

Hi all. In case each of you is wondering who the other email addressee is on this, you are the two grandmoms.

Beth Birch in Maine, you remember my Mom, Bunny Vilim, who is on Long Island.

Since the two of you have been nice enough to send emails and pictures to everyone on your respective sides of the family, I'm going to ask you both to keep doing that if people seem interested in updates.

Yesterday Spencer and Katie came home. Katie was feeling good and completely restless in the hospital - and I do mean REST LESS, ie, lacking in rest, without repose, not able to get any peace or quiet - what a madhouse! Her incision is doing well, so is she, and Spencer passed all his tests with flying colors, so we decided it was hi ho, hi ho, it's home from work we go. He had spent most of the last two nights in the room with her, so we also figured we were ready to take it on - you'd be amazed how care for babies in the hospital has changed - well, let's say I was amazed -- (I mention this because I always assume I know everything and therefore also assume that assume that if I don't know something then no one else can possibly know it either - in reality, of course, I'm sure you both know this already, but I'm still interested, so here goes:) I remembered no kids were allowed to visit new babies and basically, the baby stayed in the nursery and the mother stayed in her room - not anymore!! All visitors are now welcome at all ages and the babies are put in the rooms with the moms as much as possible - which I think is great - really allows the parents to get used to the idea of having him while there is still plenty of support around and it allows the nurses to look at how well the new mother is doing and watch for any signs of trouble in her ability to bond and care for him. AHHHH, Progress!!

The trip home, while hugely important and exciting and terrifying for us (I avoided every little bump in the road for the whole, interminable, nerve wracking 5 minutes of the ride), was uneventful when viewed in the overall scheme of the universe - I suppose I have to admit from an objective point of view that WWII and landing a man on the moon were more impressive accomplishments, but only because they had good PR -- the bastards. We got all set up and made a list of things that we needed, like Katie's pain pills, etc., and off Mack and I went to fetch. Up to that point, of course, Spencer had been a dream, gurgling and smiling and working his little arms and legs and napping. Once I was gone though, a reddish devil light descended into him and he turned into demon baby, crying and peeing and waiting til Mommy had his diaper off to deliver a wet and wicked load of baby sludge all over the bedding she had laid out - I knew something was wrong, even from a distance , when I felt a sharp pain stabbing into my back -- I really have to either get rid of that voodoo doll or at least get her some shorter pins.

By the time I made it back, sweet child o' mine had returned and he instantly fell asleep. He woke later and we took a little tour around the backyard, where I showed him all the red flowers in bloom - we realized from seeing him gaze at the Superman emblem (which is red) on one of Katie's tee shirts that he sees red very well and seems to love it - and he was duly impressed by my gardening prowess. No lie, he said so. He stared at the sky, is completely enthralled by changes in light from dark to bright and stares and stares up when we walk him from one light to the next.

Spencer and I then went down to the kitchen to make dinner while Katie napped and grew "The Breasts that Attacked Tokyo" - to say her milk is IN is ridiculous, I think her milk and all the milk of all the mothers in all the world is in there as well - no lie, she looks like one of the balloons from the Thanksgiving Day parade, so I'm afraid to let her outside in a strong wind, she could crash against a building and get hurt (I don't care what they say, those guys holding the wires on the street are only paid minimum wage and I can't see that their hearts are in their jobs, it's a scandal) - and if that happened, where would I be?

After dinner I had a long chat with Spencer, telling him all about all the B_S_ in life (don't worry, it wasn't all business, I took breaks from the serious stuff to laugh and explain the quantum theory of black holes and the time space multi-dimensional nature of the universe we live in but cannot see or truly experience - he seemed either confused by the last part or maybe he disagreed with the theoretical premise I asserted, since he spat up right about here, but they say Einstein was a little slow at first too), but I reassured him that he was going to be ok, because by the time I get done making up all the nonsense I can think of and feeding it to him as gospel truth, he won't know which end is up anyway, so no matter how upside down or ass backwards George Bush makes the world, it will always seem perfectly normal to him. I consider this my sacred duty as his father. Then he took my finger in his hand and squeezed it rhythmically while looking in my face, as if to say, "Thanks for the advice, Dad," and I thought back, "What a sweetie - already working on the curve ball grip I showed him the day he was born" - it doesn't get any better than that, now, does it? Then we watched the Yankees put a ass-whoopin on the California Angels. By the way, Spencer agrees entirely with the decision to get rid of Cracker Jacks at Yankee Stadium and replace them with Fiddle Faddle, but I can't see it, I'm a traditionalist (I mean, it's IN the Song - "Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks" - Fiddle Faddle doesn't even rhyme). Anyway, I'm trying to make sure this does not cause a permanent rift in our relationship, but he is so stubborn once he gets his back up like this, so I don't know.

After a fitful night, he finally fell asleep around 3 and slept til almost 7, ate, shat, and is now sleeping again. So is Mommy (sleeping, not shitting).

And so it goes. I wonder what adventures we'll have today?

Also, there are pics to look at on my Mac homepage if you haven't already been sent some.

More to come soon, but right now my sleepy baby is lying next to me on the couch and I need to snuggle him before I explode.