Preparing to Merge

Yesterday was my first social/learning activity with Spencer with other mommies. We started YogaBabies class. It's down in South Philly and it went really well despite the wicked standstill backup on 76 (typical and sucky).

Imagine that - I'm on my way to yoga class for spiritual and physical improvement and I'm challenged by insane traffic patterns on the way. A real test of fortitude for sure. Not to mention that Spencer starting crying 'cause we weren't moving.

Have I mentioned I have control issues? It's becoming more and more evident.
If I get anything out of motherhood besides all the standard stuff, it'll be an overhaul of my...hmmm, what do I call it? My...psychiatric state? My well-being? Ah, I know...My capacity to tolerate the unknown.

What's really funny is how desperate I am to talk with other moms - to commiserate on topics far and wide, to trade tips and advice, to make plans to get together more often with our little ones to while away the hours as they grow and learn. When I got to the class and a fellow classmate asked how old Spencer was, I was elated. I felt like I was someplace I was supposed to be. The other moms looked like me! I've really been in the house too long.

Last week we went to a local park and I spread out a blanket and put him on it with me while I read, etc. Another mom showed up with who I think was her mother and a little baby... I found myself sitting up to check out what was going on - they were like 100 yards away. I wondered "Will they see me? Will they come over?" I mean nothing could be more ridiculous; I was sitting in the middle of the park on the grass under a tree with Spence, and they were yards away on the walking path, sitting on a bench. There was no reason at all for there to be interaction, other than my curiosity and need to interact. I held Spencer up to look around and in the back of my mind was going "I wonder if they'll see that I have 'one' like they do and come over" -like I was showing him off like a little prize or a beacon.

Then I started wondering about protocols when meeting other moms. When is appropriate to approach one? How long do you talk before you decide you want to meet for a playdate or something? How do you know you even have anything you want to socialize about other than your babies? Do all new moms have these questions and feel this way? In class yesterday the one mom who asked about Spencer was really cool and in the back of my head I was thinking "I'd like to ask her to hang out" ...and I'd JUST met her! This doesn't happen in life regularly when you're out. I think it's a mom thing, or something. Or, I'm just insane.

Well, today I'll get to find out jusst how insane I really am. Today we're going to a "playgroup". Hilarious really because the most playing Spence is doing these days involves staring at the overhead fan in the kitchen and smiling and half-laughing like a fiend.

Spence had his first giggle on July 10. It's so friggin cute - his little mouth opens, lips thin out and form a heart shape, his tongue sticks out a little and his eyes squint and this little "HA" sound comes out - and he wriggles his body. He's so cute. I can't stand it. He's cuter than the kids in the yoga class. I can't help it. Do all mothers think this? I mean other kids are cute, but he's just SO cute. He's the perfect baby. I'm sorry, but he is. Maybe when he's older I won't feel this way, but right now I'm really convinced.

He's sleeping right now - friggin cutie. I love my little bug.