"Enlightenment"

Here are some "new mom proverbs" I wish to impart to you...

-When you find yourself in the bathroom brushing your teeth and realize you're in no hurry to check on the baby because someone else has him/her, pause and reflect.

-There are no support Web sites for Cesarean sections, hence there are no "Simple Exercises for Women Who've Had Cesarean sections" pages or advice columns.

-You too may experience a "flop over belly" after giving birth. Do not be afraid.

-Television is only helpful during breastfeeding because you don't have to try to hold it.

-New mothers and fraternity brothers have something in common:
Women who nurse are advised to drink at least 16 ounces of water at every feeding. If you couldn't "shotgun" a beer in college, you will be able to soon, as guzzling water will become as much a habit as belching.

-Try to get outside.

-The A-Line** is a good shape.

-If suddenly it's completely quiet in the house, it means you should probably be napping.

-It is difficult to nurse and not expose yourself. Decide early on how you feel about showing the world your breasts. OR, wait until you're in the hospital and nurses will help you decide by pulling your breasts out in front of whoever else happens to be in the room when you're supposed to attempt nursing.

-Try not to "hover".

-Music used in documentaries, nature programs or dramas with touching interludes will very likely cause unexpected emotions and tears. It is your body's way of tuning in to the "Hallmark Moment". This does not mean you should start collecting Hummel figurines.

-Children are the future, AND they are also a massive cause of pollution.
Why? DIAPERS.

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**An A-line (or Princess) waistline is fitted at the bodice and then flares out to the skirt. This is one of the few waistlines that compliments virtually any body type.

My Life's Little Mysteries, Part I


1. Why can't I figure out what my incision looks like?
When standing, I have folds of skin from the pregnancy which obscure a clear view of the incision. Plus, there aren't actual stitches, there are steri-tape closures which look an awful lot like long strips of mini packing tape. I've laid down on the bed with a hand mirror to check it out, and still can't tell. Is that a good thing?

2. Where will all this skin on my belly go?
I basically carried a 9 pound being inside me for about a month. My skin is all stretched out, man! My mother says it'll take a few months for it to all shrink back down, but I have my doubts. You've seen those makeover shows where someone's had a stomach stapling and his or her body looks more like a Sharpei's than a human's.

3. Why is my 2 week old capable of feeding** every hour and how are my breasts keeping up?
Over the last two days he's gone from feeding every 3-4 hours to every 1-2 hours and fussing like a maniac otherwise. They say infants don't have a set pattern for the first month... NO SH&@!!

3a. Why is my husband still not really able to fathom the biology behind breastfeeding?
YOU try to explain to him what happens if I miss feedings without pumping or some other kind of release...

4. How is it possible that your washing machine can back up into your toilet?
This is mystery that could easily be solved by our plumber, which leads to the next mystery on our list:

5. Why did the plumber say he was coming this morning and then not show up?
I would not want this person as a member of my family - I'd be worrying where he was all the time. I hope my son has a little more common sense than to tell me he'll "be there" if he can't be.
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**Guy doesn't like it when I refer to my son's eating habits as "feeding". He thinks it makes Spencer sound like an alien.

Home Alone


Ok, I'm not alone alone, but Guy is working a full day today, so it's just me here with the little one (who by the way is two weeks and a day old!). He's asleep at the moment cause he kept his Daddy up late last night fussin'.

I think I actually got sleep but you wouldn't know by looking at me. I look like a zombie. Guy says we've been lucky til now and now we're like all the other sleep deprived, exhausted parents.

My mother spent a week with us and is coming back again tomorrow. I am REALLY happy about that. She did more laundry in one week than I usually do in like a month. And this "recovering" crap is making the laundry pile up, as my son goes through one to 3 outfits a day with wet diapers and sometimes sheets and covers on our bed. I mean, we put the changing pad on the bed to protect the bed, but when a WMU (Weapon of Mass Urination) lets loose, NO linens are safe.

Having a baby is making me a morning person and I don't know how happy I am about this development. For instance, Spencer is feeding every day between 6 and 8 am. I start to wake up from it because he tends to spend 10-20 minutes on one breast, fall into Milk Stupor for 5 to 30 minutes then either feed on the other breast or I give up and he goes back to his crib and I pump. Then as this feeding pattern dictates, I know he will most likely be napping until about 10-1030 so once he's "down" it's the opportune time to take a shower.
It's now 130 and I'm so sleepy. He makes my day go pretty fast though.
He'll wake up in about 20 minutes I think.


Things I wonder: How will it be in a month or two when he starts being awake longer and becomes more mobile? How will I shower then? Strap him into his bouncy seat and make him sit in the bathroom in the steam? Yuck. What about a trip to the loo? Will I make him sit in the bouncy seat in the loo while I'm on the toilet? Yuck!

Breastfeeding is weird. Even weirder is that Guy has not been really able to grasp how it works. Last week I tried to explain how pumping can take the place of a feeding but that either way I have to be awake. It wasn't all that complicated, but he looked at me like I was speaking Cantonese. Speaking of which, I could go for some Lo Mein or something where I have to use chopsticks.

Anyway, he admitted that he had no idea what I was talking about. I've since tried to explain, but he still gets a fog over his eyes and looks at me blankly. All he wants is an extra bottle of breastmilk to have handy so he doesn't have to if Spencer gets hungry in the middle of the night. He doesn't care how it gets in the fridge.

Pumping your breasts for milk. That's a trip in and of itself. There is milk coming out of my body. MILK! I'm a cow. Almost every time I pump, all I can think of is Robert DeNiro saying to Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents:
"I've got nipples Greg, could you milk me?"

Oh, tidbit: Boppy pillows ROCK. You need them for breastfeeding. I'm telling you that now, Moms To Be. That includes YOU Julia Roberts, and you might want TWO since you're apparently having twins. Oy vey. She had to outdo everyone didn't she? I wonder how much weight she'll gain. OH and she's shooting Oceans 12 right now! She's only 9 weeks pregnant as of this posting supposedly, so I bet she's a party to work with. I guess George Clooney won't be chatting her up too much right now, huh? Oh don't give me that, you KNOW they hooked up a little on the first film. How could she NOT? It's GEORGE CLOONEY. I wonder if she read for Out of Sight. It was a Soderbergh film afterall. No matter. J Lo totally did it justice, so I can't see anyone else in the role of Karen Sisco...

Yes, I'm delirious. Don't expect any orderly postings for awhile until some kind of rhythm gets established. Right now things are about as offbeat as they can be. (Picture me smiling a big toothy grin right now).

Hey have you seen any pictures of my son?

Sleepless in Philadelphia on Memorial Day


"Oh sleep! It is a gentle thing,
Beloved from pole to pole."
  -Samuel Taylor Coleridge

"My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't
because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children."
  -Bill Cosby


I'm BAAAAACK.

not.

Spencer is sleeping. Breastmilk (is that one word or two?) has an opium-like effect on him. During feeding he goes into a nod-like stupor, not easily shaken off except by diaper changes, nasal aspiration or sometimes states of undress.

Spencer sleeps quite alot, but not by any real predictable pattern yet. He also eats alot, pees alot (often times all over everything if Kleenex is not properly positioned during a diaper change) and poops alot. He doesn't cry alot, I will say that. He seems to be very specific about crying.

I am operating on an average of about 4 hours of sleep here and there. So is Guy. I think he's actually napping right now and that's a good thing.

I've been thinking about how I wanted to write this entry - I wanted to take on bullet points - issues and myths, etc. I can only come up with one right now:

SLEEP DEPRIVATION.

I was so totally convinced going in that I'd be able to handle the loss of sleep since I'm not working. I thought and said repeatedly to various friends and family: "It's not like I have anywhere to go, I'll be fine, just sleepy"
I was under the impression that it wouldn't really get to me.
WRONG!

I had a C-section and part of this process is recovery and I'm supposed to be resting. SO, I don't have anywhere to go (infact I'm not allowed to drive for at least another week + half), but I'm supposed to sleep and rest and recover. You try to "rest" when your two week old wakes up crying or fussing and needs attending to and your partner is asleep, out, outside or away from the walkie talkie (we have to use walkie talkies cause I'm not supposed to make trips up and down the stairs)

MYTH ADVICE: Get all the sleep you can in the hospital, it's the only time you'll really get to rest

THAT IS A LOAD OF CRAP. You will not sleep in a hospital room because:

1. If you have any kind of complications or a c-section, someone will be coming into your room almost hourly to take your vital signs.

2. If you don't have complications, someone will be coming into your room almost hourly in relation to the following:

• breastfeeding


• photographs


• dining menu during your stay


• snacks


• paperwork (i.e., shaken baby syndrome, birth certificate, breastfeeding)


• resident check ups


• OB check ups

Not to mention visits, phone calls, etc.

3. The walls of your room are paper-thin. I could hear my "neighbor" turning on and off the light near her bed. People are talking about something day and night and you can hear them. You will hear them when you try to sleep.

4. You may be nursing your baby on demand (they bring him/her in from the nursery every 3 hours or so) or have him/her rooming in with you, so you'll be listening to him/her breathing and making little noises and you'll be afraid to sleep because you don't want to sleep through his/her crying.

So, Moms To Be, get sleep NOW. Get it all now. Write yourself little notes about sleep you enjoyed and read them back to yourself. Get a good 10 hours for no reason at all, and when you wake up, just lie there and indulge the possibility that you might not want to get up just yet.

At the moment, I am having auditory hallucinations - I keep thinking I hear Spencer crying from his crib in the next room. I have gone in to check on him 3 times and he's asleep. Guy is sitting with me now. I think it's the first time we've just sat alone together in two weeks. It's nice. Moms to Be, make sure to spend some quality alone time with your partners. My boss told me to go out to dinner as much as possible while pregnant. I second that advice.

Now, all this being said, I'm still as happy as I have ever been. When you have a little one in the house, it makes it virtually impossible to think about any personal neuroses or other unimportant drivel. The only things you think about are sleep, diapers, nursing, the baby's comfort and food.

Having a baby is worth it. It's worth it. I promise.

You just have to lose some sleep, and in the process try to remember to sleep when you can, if you can and remember that you are sleep deprived and that's why everything feels so funky and that it will pass.