Blues Clues

I read that 60-80 percent of moms get Baby Blues - mild erratic behavior and crying in the first few weeks postpartum, and that another 20 percent will develop some version of full on depression. I figured the Baby Blues was inevitable - remember the scene in Look Who's Talking when Kirstie Alley is watching a Hallmark commercial and is crying? I was sure that would be me. I actually did cry once at a commercial during my pregnancy.

Now it's 10 weeks later and I cry because I let my son watch "Elmo's World" on Sesame Street. I cry because I miss palling around with my dog. I cry because I don't look like a cute, sassy 34 year old in my Beetle - there's a teddy bear mirror in the backseat for the carseat. I cry because the only going "out" I do is to the supermarket. The other night, I was so mental, my husband sent me to Borders to get a book about Buddhism. I'll be "reflecting" on things for awhile.

Here are a few things to watch for if you haven't already been frequenting Postpartum Support Web sites...

• A feeling similar to stage fright that happens after someone else has been watching the baby and is now leaving you alone
  
• Jealousy when your partner seems to be getting more smiles from the baby than you do
• Guilt feelings over things like letting the baby sleep "too long" after a feeding because you were doing something around the house or taking "too long" a long shower when your partner is clearly home and happy to be with the baby
• They say rest when your baby does and you laugh maniacally because when will you get the laundry done, shower, eat, pee, etc?
• A physical urge to run as far away from your house as you can and never look back
  
• A compelling need to powwow with other moms

What's funny is that I'm trying to think of more clever things to say but they appear really serious, so what I think I'm trying to say overall is that it may not just be "Blues".
Sheesh, that's serious too.

I think what I can say at this point is that the way I feel now will be alot funnier in a few months. How's that?

Tick Tock

I'm afraid to write right now. My son is asleep in the next room, but I hear noises through the audio monitor and I'm terrified he'll wake up before I've had a chance to take care of a couple of other things I have to do. I'd like to get a nap in too.

It's 950pm. Guy is working - he has a hearing, a brief due and union negotiations tomorrow. Spencer and I have Yoga. Seems like nothing doesn't it?

I was just reading over my posts from BS - Before Spencer. It seems like years ago. We had family over today and were talking about an email Guy sent to our respective mothers a couple of days after we came home from the hospital. He said it seemed like years ago.

My concept of time has changed forever. There isn't any. There's too much. It moves too fast and it moves too slowly.

If I don't have plans I go crazy, if I have plans, nothing gets done at home. I have to prioritize what I can do now and what I can do with a baby in my arms. I have to estimate when I can pump or should pump in relation to when Spencer might need to feed at night or when I can put him someplace for 15 minutes.

I need to start tracking when he eats and sleeps because in a week he starts daycare twice a week. I'm going back to work mid-August, but I'll have 4 days where he'll be out of this house for 6 hours and I have nothing planned for myself. What will I do during that time?

We spend most of our time now discussing him or my mental state - I'm dealing with some postpartum issues and that's time consuming too...

It's amazing how anxious I was to have my son. I was in such a hurry to get him out because I was so uncomfortable. I have lost a good deal of my pregnancy weight, carpal tunnel gone, I can wear my wedding rings, and I can almost fit back in most of my old shoes. Time is slowly bringing my body back...I don't know if I'll ever look the same, but at least I'm feeling a little more human now that I can wear regular underwear again.It's time to dump the "granny" panties.

I've spent 10 + minutes writing. I made the choice to take my precious free time and use it to document the changes of the moment - although there are so many I need much more time to get into what's happening. Cryptic, eh?
No time to elaborate. Maybe when he starts truly sleeping through the night...