Getting the Hang of It?

I'm a little down today because I'm feeling better.

Yesterday I took Spencer into work to see Guy. It was a good little trip and I haven't been in Center City for awhile. I certainly noticed there were all these people out at lunch and it was amazing how many people weren't with children.

I'm chatting with my husband online as I write this and I was just saying to him that I missed being childless. I noted my lack of funds and how it was too hot to go anywhere today and also how I didn't have anywhere to go with Spencer right now and that maybe next week I could walk him around the mall in the stroller. He said this: "...you need to see thngs differently than you do, there are parks the river towns all kinds of places, but you think in terms of malls..."

Damn.
That's frigging profound.
My whole perspective on activity needs to include another person now.

We've also been talking about my role and how Spencer is not just my son but my job. My job that doesn't seem to end when Guy comes home. That sucks. I now have developed much more respect for stay-at-home moms. I mean, I don't know if it gets easier or harder or how much it depends on you and the child, but this is really hard. It's even harder to keep it in perspective.

When I was pregnant, I would say "Well, it's not like I'll have anywhere else to be. I will dedicate myself to my baby boy. How hard can that be?"
I was right - I DON'T have any place else to be. This really doesn't have to be a big deal. or DOES it? It's all about that delicate matter of perspective. The challenge of all this isn't about parenting, per se. It's about keeping your whole life in perspective - your future goals, your past, your hang-ups, your stress points, your desires, your freedom, your fears...it all changes. It has to change.

We interrupt this ponderance for a Mental Fart:

Right now I'm listening to a music channel on the satellite instead of watching tv. It's called "Soundscapes". You can pretty much guess what it is...atmospheric, often Celtic flavored sounds and music, to place yourself in that foresty-earthy-fairy-like "Lord of the Rings" type mood. I put it on because one of those child development books suggests music or sounds like it to have on around the baby. Spencer is napping away in his bouncy seat to the beat of a harp and flute. Right now there's a flutey version of something that reminds me of "She's Leaving Home" by the Beatles. If you're interested, it's called "Gardens of the Sun" by someone or some group called Georgia Kelly. Oy vey.

Oh also, today I watched Days of Our Lives for the first time in like 10 years or more. Acting=BAD, Plot Lines=Really Bad, Makeup=THE WORST!
I swear, one actor's face and neck were one flesh color and his chest was reddish - his real skin tone. It was painful to see. Then again, I watched Dr. Phil yesterday. How do they get all that makeup around that mustache? Yech. People on TV wear so much makeup, it's astounding. I've done some on camera work and it's incredible how much makeup they put on you. Everytime I watch tv and people hug, I wonder how they keep from getting makeup on eachother's clothing.

Know who else wears too much makeup? Bob Barker. I've taken to Price is Right. I don't know why, but it's fun to try to figure out how much hot tubs, old school styled bedroom sets and trips to Tahiti cost. People are dumb though. When the final bid showdown comes up, people almost always underbid by thousands and thousands. How much do you think a new Ford SUV and trip to say Puerto Vallarta in Mexico cost? At LEAST 30K, right? People on the show bid like 20K and think they're close when Bob reads 43K on the card.
Ahhh, if only I was the bidder!

It's time to wake up Spencer from his afternoon nap. He really is a little angel baby. We decided this last night. Now if only he'd poop.

Nice Lungs(Continued) and Baby Zen

I've been spending quite alot of time getting to know my son.
One real challenge has been learning his cries.
All the books about child rearing have paragraphs dedicated to fussiness and crying. One thing I see repeatedly is how I am supposed to be able to tell the difference between hungry cries, pain cries, fussy cries, "change my diaper" cries, and so forth.

So far I can tell when his diaper is wet and when he's hungry. Everything else sounds like he's in incredible pain or hates me (see post below from Sunday for more on relentless crying).

Last night, Guy was working late so I took on dinner and caring for Spence while we waited. Magically at around 630pm, Spencer started what I refer to as "Something Is Bothering Me But For The Life of Me I Don't Know What" crying. He was off and on with the crying and by 8pm I had to take drastic measures or I would not have dinner ready for Guy. I read an article on crying and fussiness from the Mayo Clinic on CNN.com

I put Spence down in his bassinet and planned to leave him there for 15-20 minutes to see if he'd cry himself to sleep or calm down. I had the baby monitor on in the kitchen and watched Crying Spencer TV for 20 minutes while making spaghetti. It was intensely frustrating to say the least. Why would I subject myself to this? I don't know. I couldn't turn it off. He'd cry and scream and then calm down, take a few breaths and start all over again. Now THAT'S reality tv.

At the end of the 20 minutes I made Guy and I a plate of food each, wrapped in in tin foil and ran upstairs to check Spencer and make sure all was well other than the screaming. As I picked him up to check his diaper, Guy came home. Spencer seemed calm and normal to him, which is of course how it works when you're home all day with your baby. However, Spencer did calm just enough for us to eat and then operated on "semi-fussy" mode until his next feeding at 930.

My experience suggests that it may have been ok to let him cry. My gut and emotional oversensitivity suggests that it might be smart to take a Percoset 20 minutes before I do it again so that I don't feel like a terrible mother.

I've been so wrapped up in the day-to-day minutiae that I've had trouble getting to write about the little things...like today when I took him to the doctor for a check up (11.5 lbs and 23 inches, thank you very much) and he was a perfect little angel the whole time, and then took him to visit my old boss and he seemed to take to new environments without a fuss. I'm proud of my little man. Or how in the mornings I wake up bleary and tired but then my son's little adorable face is awake and bright and I'm filled with a ton of love for him like I can't explain.

There's also something Guy said that really stuck with me relating to my own personal neuroses: When you have a baby there are things that have to be done. There can be no worrying or projecting about it, it just has to be done and that's all there is. It makes one much calmer ultimately because there's no time to alternately wonder and worry. So, what will I do if he gets hungry when we're out? Feed him. What will I do if his diaper is wet? Change him. How and Where and When, etc. will fall into place. With a baby, certain things just are, and that's all.



Sunday June 13
Nice Lungs

It is 850pm, Sunday night. My son has been in his bassinet crying for the last 15-20 minutes. My husband and I are letting him cry. Guy has a hearing on Tuesday he has to prepare for and I am exhausted and need to rest cause he has to be in at work early tomorrow morning and neither of us can figure out what needs to be done for our son.

We're hating ourselves. Spencer has been fed, taken for a walk, changed repeatedly, put in warm clothes and swaddled. If we pick him up to carry him around he stops crying briefly then starts again. It's amazing.

I once had a voice teacher who explained to me how when we're children, our voices are pure and unaffected by self-consciousness; we scream with abandon when we have needs, regardless of who hears us. Our voices are strong because they come from deep within us and we have no conscious plan to scream. It just comes as we breathe. Amazingly as we grow and become self-aware, we also lose a little of our voices because thought comes into it - how loud we speak, how we hold our bodies: Women more specifically because of the attention brought by our upper bodies. Women actually tend to be a little more protective and hunch the shoulders.

Right now, my son is screaming and crying with that abandon and it's breaking my heart. I want to hold him and comfort him and I know it won't really do any good, will it? My instincts tell me to go to him and I have no idea if I'm spoiling him or not. It's killing me. Time to call some friends for a consensus...