Fear of Poop Itself

There are dark blue towels all over the floor in our living room.
I have them down around Spencer's play area in case we have repeat performance of yesterday.

He just sucked down a little formula and burped. I'm scared.
I have post-traumatic-barf-syndrome.
Earlier today he got the hiccups and I thought he might be heaving, so I carried him into the bathroom and held him over the sink in case he was going to throw up again. Nothing happened. I think he giggled a little.

I wish I could dress him in a plastic outfit.

Cleaning up poop is the most bizarre task ever.
How can you really CLEAN it? I mean, it's like the filthiest filth ever.

He's sitting next to me on the floor dragging his bottle of formula around. I wish he'd drink it.
We have another bottle of Pedialyte here too. I can't say we're overly-impressed with their choice of flavors. There has to be something more appealing to a little one. He doesn't drink OK or grape juice yet, so why would something flavored that way be of any interest?
How about Banana flavor?

Illin' In Philly

Yo Yo Yo. Mom in da house...
Uh, all month long. I can't get out.
If it's not the boy, it's me.
He started off 2005 with an ear infection, I acquired strep throat last week, and now he's contracted some sort of stomach thing that's made him expunge every last drop of everything from both ends. Pleasant, huh? I'm drinking tons of water now, just in case it happens to me too.

During my time of respite, protected by the poofy, synthetic-y feel of a faux down comforter (purchased no doubt from Kmart or some other purveyor of fine home furnishings), I managed to watch almost all of Live Aid and found solace in cherry jello and hominy grits.

Apparently, when you recover from illness, the gods of mockery send down another for you to dodge by putting it in your child. So we're back on major doses of hand sanitizer and then following up later on in the evening with A&D ointment on the hands to soothe the cracking skin on the knuckles.

I feel like a boxer.
"Down goes Fraser!!!"

Dashing Through The ... holidays

Oh wait, it's OVER! Christmas and New Years are OVER!
I can't believe I let this go so long without writing. Ok thats a lie. I can too. I'm lucky I got the Xmas cards out.

I bet you're dying to know how I did on my first Xmas as a mommy, so here are the highlights:

• I baked nine dozen meringue cookies for a cookie swap. I am now an EXPERT at whipping up egg whites.
• We had a friend watch the baby so we could buy him Xmas presents (as if he'd have known if we took him along).
• We found a near perfect tree and it was up and decorated in two days or less. And down in two days or less after New Years. Unprecedented.
• Our ceilings were covered with big dangling snowflakes and our son now has an intimate relationship with all our nutcrackers. They talked to him from the mantle (with our help) every day. Any idea how hard it is to communicate on behalf of a nutcracker? They don't lead the most exciting lives you know.
• We rented a minivan and believe it or not, my HUSBAND thought it was God's gift to travel ("You could play FOOTBALL in here!"), and travelled to New York twice in 3 days.
• My husband bought an electric train from some mystical shop out on the Main Line. I bet if he tries to go back it'll be some abandoned ole' storefront.
• My son saw Santa for the first time at the mall. Santa was sitting in his picture-takin' chair, and I was holding the baby about 5 yards away. He smiled pretty big, but I can see we're going to have to try him in doses. Santa can be scary when you're really little.
• We had the longest Xmas morning in memory. Babies take a LONG time to open their presents.I can't imagine how it will be when he can actually speak and walk and tell us he doesn't like stuff Santa brought...
• The baby had his first ear infection that caused him to stop eating all together before New Years, so we stayed at home and had lobster and filet mignon after he went to bed. It was DELISH.
• Dick Clark had a stroke this year so Regis Philbin was in charge of New Year's Rockin' Eve and to quote another New Yorker: He's FIRED.
• The world's worst natural disaster in modern history occurred and killed probably 250,000 people. (And I was cranky cause my son was up in the middle of the night. Nice)
• We've had above normal temperatures for the last week. Seems there is no global warming problem afterall.
• Some fellas from Monty Python have adapted The Holy Grail for the stage. I am proud to announce that barring dismal failure and early closing, we will be going to see it in March on Broadway.
  
• So that's about it for the holidays. We got some great pics though!
  

On other fronts:
I finally caved and bought some high waisted khakis. They work for me and are actually stylish so I don't look like a dork. I also bought my first "track suit". It's pink. I look like a cute, comfy mommy. Couldn't you just barf?

AND BIG NEWS HERE....I will be seeing my favourite teen crush band ever: Duran Duran. We have 5th row seats. If that isn't incentive to lose that last 10, I don't know what is. Heh, and I was actually considering Weight Watchers...

Tragedy of 2005: No new diaper bag. I'm all in a twist about it. What's a mommy to do? I need a storage saviour or something.There must be someone out there that can help me find the best bag. Who are you? Where are you hiding?I MUST HAVE RESPITE FROM THIS TORTURE!

Tummy Time

Ok, there was this mock ad on SNL from May of '03 for a product called "Mom Jeans".

You know you've seen a woman wearing 'em. You know you've laughed or cringed and thought, "Oh my god, can't she see how bad her stomach looks in those?"
I used to laugh.

Until it happened to ME.

I know why they wear them. I know why ALL jeans look like "Mom Jeans" on moms.
It's the pouch. Whatever happens to your stomach after the birth of your child once most of the baby weight is gone and you're starting to wear some old clothing again.

There may be a temporary solution: High waisted jeans.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeew! High-waisted jeans are for moms!
I hated them all my life and when low-waisted and low-rider jeans became the norm, I was ecstatic. I remember in highschool and college, trying to wear my pants low and it looked ridiculous because they were mostly all highwaisted so there was all this extra fabric in the crotch.

The low-waisted jean was my salvation. Couldn't get enough of 'em and when Levi's introduced "Super Low", I was beside myself with glee. What took them so long? Yippeeee!

They're sitting in a storage bag along with some Tilt and Gap jeans I'm not wearing.

Two weeks ago I found myself in Kohl's wanting desperately to go into the Women's section to try on some "regular" jeans. Wait is it called Misses ? "Woman" is for plus-size women. See? I don't even know what department is what. I just know where the high and low waisted jeans can be found. But I always shopped in the Juniors section.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't go there. I didn't look for a comfortable, nice looking pair of jeans. I fought with myself the way you see an actor arguing with his/her computer generated twin or imaginary friend and ended up buying a pair of boots.

I'm 7 months postpartum and everyone says you need like a year to get back most or all of your old body (or whatever's salvagable?). I don't want to give in and go get something safe until I really know what my body is going to look like! But I'll tell ya, if I saw me walking around with my belly potentially hanging precariously close to "over" my low-jeans, I'd want me in a pair of Lee jeans, tout suite!

And you know what else? It's not just how they look. It's what they mean.
Your old clothes don't fit quite right, do they?
You don't really want to wear them either, do you?
Somehow, it doesn't feel quite appropriate to wear a baby doll t-shirt that says "Kitten". I'm a "Mom" now. It looks a bit childish to wear such a thing when I'm responsible for this little person who depends on me for everything except breathing and pooping.

It feels awkward to wear a low cut top. You risk flashing the world anyway - I don't know about your baby, but mine has started pulling on my clothes and sticking his hand down my shirt when I wear a V-neck. And seriously, even though I can kind of wear some low waisted jeans under long shirts, I resist. All the bending and squatting to lift, carry and move the baby around can potentially result in more crack sightings than at a plumber's convention.

When I was in the hospital why didn't they show me pictures of what my tummy was gonna look like and instructions or a pamphlet on "Your New Mommy Body"? They had no problems grabbing my breasts and poking me and throwing Spencer at me (not literally) and invading my room at all ungodly hours of the night, so why not tell me what I might expect after my incision healed and I was up and at 'em?

So many questions...

A Diaper Bag Haiku

Satchel that eludes;
Carry our stuff with ease
Look like a million bucks

Kvetching...

I now have maybe 4 different bags going.
I am deeply tormented.
Could it be a distraction from the rest of life? Who knows.

But here's the new dilemma:
Spencer is growing and growing.
How much longer will I need this bag?
I'll freakin' buy the bag and then I won't need it anymore.
I'm sick from it. SICK I tell you!

Oh no wait, I'm stir crazy because Spencer has been sick since his 6 month appt on 11/29. He had diarrhea (I hate that word. I can NEVER spell it right the first time) and then got a cold too. We've been home ALOT lately.

In the meantime, if you or anyone you know has any information about that Kalencom bag or you've seen a review, PLEASE contact me immediately!

Of Diaper Bags and The Blow Out

Ok, one quick thing about a diaper bag, cause I think I may have found IT.
I need help though.
Here's the bag:




It's by a company called Kalencom. I linked to it in case the image doesn't show here.

I really like it, but I don't know anyone who has one, nor do I know where I can go see it for myself. I don't wanna order it and then not like it and have to return it!!!

SO, if you know someone who has this bag, or you've seen it (do not confuse this with the Mothership Bag by Fleurville - see my other post about that one) in person, PLEASE contact me IMMEDIATELY! Thank you.

Ok, now on to the Blow Out...

I don' t have a whole lot to say, cause it's just gross and I don't feel like rehashing how my son's butt burned out my nasal passages, but I think I have mastered removing the diaper without getting poop on clothes. Here's what I did, for those who seem to be doing way more laundry than they'd like:

• Carry the baby to the changing area like a football - don't hold her up in your arms with arms around under her butt - you're going to smush it all around in there!
• When you get the baby there, keep him standing up (if standing) and take off shoes, socks, pants/bottoms and unsnap onesie if wearing one. Pull up any shirts and/or onesie.
• Put wipes down on changing surface under baby while holding her still standing. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT her sit or lie down now(on back or tummy!). You're still risking major nastiness.
• Carefully undo his diaper. If you have to hold his arms down, just keep your arms around him as you do it (my son has a habit of grabbing his "boys" whenever the diaper comes off). Since you can't see what's in there yet, it's better safe then sorry. Pull the diaper down and away.
• Grab another wipe, try to get what you can off the baby and then lay her gently down on the changing surface with her butt on the wipe you laid out.
• Get to work and clean up that baby!

Ok so I'm all impressed with my new skill. I bet I'm the only one who hadn't figured it out. This week was the first time he ever had it happen, so I have an excuse. Wish I could put one of those idiotic toothy smiley faces here now. Instant Messenger has messed me all up for good.

Oh, a passing thought...
Does the pediatrician's office keep a record of every time you call, even when nothing comes of it? Just wondering...

The Perfect...
Part I: Diaper Bag

I can't find it. I simply cannot. How can childbirth and childrearing be the oldest institution next to prostitution and the bag does not exist?
Could it be that Google is imperfect and does not know how to find me this wondrous contraption? Is it only created for haute couture runway shows and bigtime celebrities?
Does Madonna have one? If she does then so does Gwynneth.
Then Julia will have TWO for her twins. Bitches.

I bet if Oprah did she'd have given them away to her whole audience by now.
Well actually, she did give one away - I think it was the "Mothership" bag by Fleurville

I warn you, I am obsessed. I am likely to ramble on here, so if you don't give a toot about diaper bags, move on.

Here are the problems with that bag:
1. Flap closure - too much work when you need to get to something fast.
2. No zipper closure to main compartment - Not secure from prying hands
3. Non-adjustable strap - We need that flexibility for different activities
4. No separate compartment for mom's stuff OR detachable bag for mom
5. Price - It's $160.00. I'm sorry but that's discouraging

These 5 things in variation are usually the main deficiencies in all bags. And if it's not one of these things, it's size or style. Some of the most organized bags are REALLY ugly and boring.

This is about the closest thing I've found so far: Loom Bandicoot
It's still too small though!

Here's the one I have: Skip Hop
It's not bad, but there are zipper compartments at the top and anything wide inside those pockets makes it hard to get to anything inside the main compartment. Also, it's taller than it is wide so everything sits on top of eachother. I think that makes the bag feel heavier, and it doesn't stand on it's own very easily.

I could go on and on about this. I usually do every night - I've found myself online just searching. Last night I even went international - looking for Nappy Bags and Changing Bags (that's the terms for them in the UK). I need help. I really do.

I have figured that by the time I actually find this bag, Spencer will be done with diapers, so is there even a point?

With a bit of a mind flip
You're into the time slip.
And nothing can ever be the same.
You're spaced out on sensation.
Like you're under sedation...

Let's do the time-warp again!

Well, that about encompasses my life from my last post until some time in September.

I may start a separate "chapter" about the lovely effects of Post Partum Depression, but I've decided that in this journal, it doesn't have a place. There are too many ridiculous events, anecdotes and observations for me to spend time bemoaning the loss of my mind for two or three months due to hormonal imbalances.

Some say having PPD (that's the cool way to say PostPartum Depression by the way) is just like having a disease or broken bone. You treat it and you get better and it heals. Well I think I'm off the crutches now and out of bed. I just get some soreness and when it rains I can feel it in my joints...?

Well since I don't remember all that much about the end of the summer, let's start fresh, shall we? I'm sure I'll have flashbacks as we go along.

Stay tuned for My Adventure with Spencer.

Glad to be back!

Blues Clues

I read that 60-80 percent of moms get Baby Blues - mild erratic behavior and crying in the first few weeks postpartum, and that another 20 percent will develop some version of full on depression. I figured the Baby Blues was inevitable - remember the scene in Look Who's Talking when Kirstie Alley is watching a Hallmark commercial and is crying? I was sure that would be me. I actually did cry once at a commercial during my pregnancy.

Now it's 10 weeks later and I cry because I let my son watch "Elmo's World" on Sesame Street. I cry because I miss palling around with my dog. I cry because I don't look like a cute, sassy 34 year old in my Beetle - there's a teddy bear mirror in the backseat for the carseat. I cry because the only going "out" I do is to the supermarket. The other night, I was so mental, my husband sent me to Borders to get a book about Buddhism. I'll be "reflecting" on things for awhile.

Here are a few things to watch for if you haven't already been frequenting Postpartum Support Web sites...

• A feeling similar to stage fright that happens after someone else has been watching the baby and is now leaving you alone
  
• Jealousy when your partner seems to be getting more smiles from the baby than you do
• Guilt feelings over things like letting the baby sleep "too long" after a feeding because you were doing something around the house or taking "too long" a long shower when your partner is clearly home and happy to be with the baby
• They say rest when your baby does and you laugh maniacally because when will you get the laundry done, shower, eat, pee, etc?
• A physical urge to run as far away from your house as you can and never look back
  
• A compelling need to powwow with other moms

What's funny is that I'm trying to think of more clever things to say but they appear really serious, so what I think I'm trying to say overall is that it may not just be "Blues".
Sheesh, that's serious too.

I think what I can say at this point is that the way I feel now will be alot funnier in a few months. How's that?

Tick Tock

I'm afraid to write right now. My son is asleep in the next room, but I hear noises through the audio monitor and I'm terrified he'll wake up before I've had a chance to take care of a couple of other things I have to do. I'd like to get a nap in too.

It's 950pm. Guy is working - he has a hearing, a brief due and union negotiations tomorrow. Spencer and I have Yoga. Seems like nothing doesn't it?

I was just reading over my posts from BS - Before Spencer. It seems like years ago. We had family over today and were talking about an email Guy sent to our respective mothers a couple of days after we came home from the hospital. He said it seemed like years ago.

My concept of time has changed forever. There isn't any. There's too much. It moves too fast and it moves too slowly.

If I don't have plans I go crazy, if I have plans, nothing gets done at home. I have to prioritize what I can do now and what I can do with a baby in my arms. I have to estimate when I can pump or should pump in relation to when Spencer might need to feed at night or when I can put him someplace for 15 minutes.

I need to start tracking when he eats and sleeps because in a week he starts daycare twice a week. I'm going back to work mid-August, but I'll have 4 days where he'll be out of this house for 6 hours and I have nothing planned for myself. What will I do during that time?

We spend most of our time now discussing him or my mental state - I'm dealing with some postpartum issues and that's time consuming too...

It's amazing how anxious I was to have my son. I was in such a hurry to get him out because I was so uncomfortable. I have lost a good deal of my pregnancy weight, carpal tunnel gone, I can wear my wedding rings, and I can almost fit back in most of my old shoes. Time is slowly bringing my body back...I don't know if I'll ever look the same, but at least I'm feeling a little more human now that I can wear regular underwear again.It's time to dump the "granny" panties.

I've spent 10 + minutes writing. I made the choice to take my precious free time and use it to document the changes of the moment - although there are so many I need much more time to get into what's happening. Cryptic, eh?
No time to elaborate. Maybe when he starts truly sleeping through the night...

New Parent Central UPDATE!

A coupla weeks ago I listed some helpful tips, etc.
I mentioned the use of Kleenex as a good pee blocker for your new little man.
Well, it couldn't be more timely...one of the gals in the playgroup I joined recommended this little product: The Weeblock.   

It's hilarious and I think I need one.

Just thought I'd get it on here quick for anyone who's discovered WMU (Weapons of Mass Urination) in their homes.

:)

"Who Is They?"

Pregnant women pay attention:

When you have information to discuss with your significant other about advice you've been given, or research you've found, or helplful hints you read in a magazine, BE PREPARED TO BACK IT UP.

During a "playgroup"** walk with some other new mommies yesterday, I learned that I was not the only one forced on the defensive when trying to tell my husband something we should or shouldn't be doing for the baby.

Guy is an attorney - more specifically a trial lawyer, so it isn't surprising that he can be argumentative when I try to present other ways of doing things. But, when I heard that all the other moms present were experiencing the same thing with their partners, I realized there must be more to it than professional background.

Noone wants to be told they're doing something wrong. Now add a "with a baby" to that sentence. Now change it to "with THEIR baby", and it's pretty hot stuff. If you try to tell your mate it's not a good idea to mix milk and formula and feed it to the baby, you better know clinically why, and where you got the information and you should probably know how recently the source reported it.

If you don't have the facts, you better be prepared to eat your words and go back to playing "i got your nose" with the baby for now. Your mate will look at you like you're nuts and tell you there is no justification for what you've said and you will be dismissed. Invoking "a Mother's Intuition" is useless here and will only be acceptable when you've solved something without your partner's involvement, so don't even go there.

You'll be tired and cranky and emotional and post-partumed and feel like it's not fair for your partner to treat you with such disdain, but it's only your partner's way of trying to feel in control of the situation, seeing as how you carried your baby for 9 months and may have a stronger connection in some ways. Plus, your partner may have had more sleep than you and may be more able to think clearly, so it's not necessarily a bad thing to be challenged.

Ugh, when did this become an advice column?
Anyway, just be careful when presenting new information. That's all I'm sayin'.

_______________________________
**"Playgroup" - All of our babies are barely old enough to keep their heads up and can only focus on us for about 10 minutes straight; they can't even really see other babies yet. The term "playgroup" is used here to define a group of new mothers getting together with their babies, who are in strollers. The mommies walk and talk while the babies nap and look cute.

Preparing to Merge

Yesterday was my first social/learning activity with Spencer with other mommies. We started YogaBabies class. It's down in South Philly and it went really well despite the wicked standstill backup on 76 (typical and sucky).

Imagine that - I'm on my way to yoga class for spiritual and physical improvement and I'm challenged by insane traffic patterns on the way. A real test of fortitude for sure. Not to mention that Spencer starting crying 'cause we weren't moving.

Have I mentioned I have control issues? It's becoming more and more evident.
If I get anything out of motherhood besides all the standard stuff, it'll be an overhaul of my...hmmm, what do I call it? My...psychiatric state? My well-being? Ah, I know...My capacity to tolerate the unknown.

What's really funny is how desperate I am to talk with other moms - to commiserate on topics far and wide, to trade tips and advice, to make plans to get together more often with our little ones to while away the hours as they grow and learn. When I got to the class and a fellow classmate asked how old Spencer was, I was elated. I felt like I was someplace I was supposed to be. The other moms looked like me! I've really been in the house too long.

Last week we went to a local park and I spread out a blanket and put him on it with me while I read, etc. Another mom showed up with who I think was her mother and a little baby... I found myself sitting up to check out what was going on - they were like 100 yards away. I wondered "Will they see me? Will they come over?" I mean nothing could be more ridiculous; I was sitting in the middle of the park on the grass under a tree with Spence, and they were yards away on the walking path, sitting on a bench. There was no reason at all for there to be interaction, other than my curiosity and need to interact. I held Spencer up to look around and in the back of my mind was going "I wonder if they'll see that I have 'one' like they do and come over" -like I was showing him off like a little prize or a beacon.

Then I started wondering about protocols when meeting other moms. When is appropriate to approach one? How long do you talk before you decide you want to meet for a playdate or something? How do you know you even have anything you want to socialize about other than your babies? Do all new moms have these questions and feel this way? In class yesterday the one mom who asked about Spencer was really cool and in the back of my head I was thinking "I'd like to ask her to hang out" ...and I'd JUST met her! This doesn't happen in life regularly when you're out. I think it's a mom thing, or something. Or, I'm just insane.

Well, today I'll get to find out jusst how insane I really am. Today we're going to a "playgroup". Hilarious really because the most playing Spence is doing these days involves staring at the overhead fan in the kitchen and smiling and half-laughing like a fiend.

Spence had his first giggle on July 10. It's so friggin cute - his little mouth opens, lips thin out and form a heart shape, his tongue sticks out a little and his eyes squint and this little "HA" sound comes out - and he wriggles his body. He's so cute. I can't stand it. He's cuter than the kids in the yoga class. I can't help it. Do all mothers think this? I mean other kids are cute, but he's just SO cute. He's the perfect baby. I'm sorry, but he is. Maybe when he's older I won't feel this way, but right now I'm really convinced.

He's sleeping right now - friggin cutie. I love my little bug.

New Parent Central (or More Enlightenment)

Now that I'm an experienced parent of over one month (HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!), I'm heading into straight on "advice"** territory....

-Get a small screwdriver. Get a flat head and a phillips head.
Why? All the battery operated toys, mobiles, sleep aids and monitors have removable panels with screws. No simple clip on panels here folks. The makers are worried your child will develop an taste for Duracell.

-If you're going to use a Baby Bjorn or some other kind of non-sling baby carrier, it's a good idea to have pants for the baby - to protect little legs from chafing and/or getting cold. Also, see my last item about socks...

-Boppy or some other horseshoe shaped pillows are key for feeding and holding the baby. They support the baby around you and they are also good to prop him/her up on their own. I highly recommend this purchase.

-Your baby has ear wax and long fingernails and toe cheese just like you do. Remember to gently clean and clip the baby. I mean besides the baths you give them...it's "detailing" for humans.

-Kleenex=Best way to prevent pee attacks (unless they've created a baby penis shield to put on boys during diaper changes). Stock up on Kleenex if you have a son and keep them by your diaper changing area. Guy would have been blind and/or dead the other day if urine was a weapon. Spencer peed in his face and all over him because he did not have the Kleenex at the ready.

-Breastfeeding?
Find nursing bras in colors if you can. Currently the standard is white for some reason. Perhaps the makers and corporate buyers of nursing bras think we're all virginal and only walk around in pretty nursing gowns all day, but see how pretty YOU feel with big chunk white bra straps leering out from beneath that cute summery top(that actually fits your newly preg-less shape). Here's a company that makes them in colors: Bravado.
I just bought two on sale at Belly Maternity (Read the article about them in Philadelphia Business Journal) on 16th & Pine in Center City, and they ROCK.

-Back exercises: Do them NOW. Do them often. Do whatever you can. You will use your back more than any other muscle in your body, other than your mouth. I am not referring to labor. I am referring to the fact that you are now the moving and carrying mechanism for your baby. You may also be the rocking-to-sleep mechanism and you will be on your feet quite a bit with this new little load on your hands.

-Do not decide the baby's feeding schedule in the middle of the night when one spouse/partner is asleep.

-When you go to the doctor's office, you'll have to wait to see the doctor so be prepared for crying, etc. Bring something to do maybe. Also, bring a blanket to the doctor's office. They make you undress the baby to his diaper and it's cold in there and they make you wait in the exam room too.
(Why should it be any different from when you go yourself?)

-Make sure you can fit the baby's stroller/travel system into the car.
(We have a VW Beetle and didn't realize it wouldn't fit until it was too late)

-Baby socks should have elastic around the openings. Little "footies" don't stay on; they get cast off by little baby feet.

________________________________________________
**Disclaimer: "Advice", meaning suggestions from my personal experience. I am not a professional advice-giver, nor do I profess to be. Take this "advice" at your own risk. It's not my fault if you like wearing nursing gowns or get injured by a renegade baby sock.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED

Spencer and I have been going for daily walks around the neighborhood.

Two days ago, on the way to a small local park, I passed a woman walking a toddler in a stroller. She was very polite to move aside on the sidewalk so I could pass and I pondered the possibility of a social interaction, seeing as how we were both women walking children in strollers in the park and everyone tells me walking your infant in a stroller is more of a social thing for adult than for the baby. Minutes later, I stopped along the path in the park to nudge Spencer out of his stroller stupor to see if he'd take in any of the sights around him.

The woman approached with the toddler happily sucking away on a sippy cup.

The woman cooed at Spencer from just behind our park bench, and with what sounded like a Jamaican accent, asked "Ah you tryin' ta wake 'im up?"

"Yes", I said, smiling. "He was awake all night and I'm trying to move his nap schedule to a little later in the day".

"Awww, let 'im sleep.", she responded sweetly.

My spider senses tingled and I suspected that besides being obnoxious for giving a complete stranger advice about what to do with a child, this woman had other things on her mind...

She came over with the young lady in the stroller, who happened to be very adorable with big brown eyes and brown curly hair. I think she was about 2.
She sat down next to me and we proceeded to have a conversation I cannot remember now due to sleep deprivation and general lack of interest, but the subject of sleep schedules came up and she did mention that this toddler's parent tried different things with sleep as well, and also gave me a brief rundown of the little girl's sleep schedule. I correctly surmised that this woman was the toddler's nanny, and winced internally with the thought of what might come next in our conversation.

Then she dropped the bomb: "So do you have a babysitter?"

Luckily for her I anticipated such a question and didn't skip a beat. "Nope, it's just me for now. I'm not working. Just enjoying my time with him. But thanks for asking". We exchanged a few more pleasantries and then I made like a tree and got out of there.

EEEEEYECCCHHHHHH!

Could I have felt any more awkward?
Maybe, if she'd handed me a BROCHURE!
A sales pitch in the middle of a park with little ones around? Oy.
Nevermind that she was so keen to just drop advice on me without being asked.
Who told her that uninvited expression of your opinion is a good way to make an impression on a potential client?

So now I can add pushy nannies to my list of annoying things; along with spam, telemarketers, flyers on my car, and junk mail.

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Yesterday I took Spencer to see his daddy at work.
It's a little drive into Center City which Spencer has not seen yet cause he always sleeps in the car. Funny how everything I seem to do with him involves him sleeping through it.

Anyway, I parked in the garage near Guy's office, got Spence all set up in his stroller and we made our way two blocks to the building on Walnut where he keeps shop. Standing in the elevator in Guy's building, some young women got in with us and remarked at Spencer's cuteness (How could you not? He's gorgeous). Two got out on one floor, leaving just me and one other woman in the elevator.
"How old is he?"
"Six weeks" said I, smiling like a dope as usual. "He's my big boy."
"Wow", she said, looking at him again. "First time mother?"
"Yup" I said, still smiling goofily.

Then as her floor approached, she inquired, "So how do you like Motherhood?"

HUH? I didn't know what to say. It's like having someone ask you "So, how do you feel about God versus Evolution?" Who has the time to answer a question like that quickly in an elevator?

As I stumbled to find words, the doors opened on her floor. Suddenly, it felt like someone smacked me on the back of the head and I blurted out: "I love it!"

She smiled and got off and I think she said "Good for you" or "Good luck" or some other congratulatory remark. I smiled and waited for the doors to close again, at which time I believe my face scrunched up into a full squint.

I was dumbfounded. How did I like Motherhood?
Why was I not prepared to answer this question without rolling my eyes?
The only thing I could think was that it was hard and a little overwhelming right now.
I was not about to say this to a total stranger, anymore than I was about to hire someone I met in the park to be my son's caretaker.

Sales pitches I can handle, but semi-rhetorical questions about parenting have got me scrambling. How does having a child make you a target for probing inquiries into your existence? Does someone do this to every new mom?
I can tell you all you want to know about poop and bathing and socks, but please do not ask me to tell you what I think about all this. My head might explode.

Maybe once I get used to my husband's breathing next to me in bed again(currently it eliminates my ability to hear my son in the next room and makes me insane), I'll be able to think about what I think of my life as a mom.

I will say with confidence that I totally and completely love my baby boy.
So for now, if he is the definition of Motherhood, then I love it for sure.

Getting the Hang of It?

I'm a little down today because I'm feeling better.

Yesterday I took Spencer into work to see Guy. It was a good little trip and I haven't been in Center City for awhile. I certainly noticed there were all these people out at lunch and it was amazing how many people weren't with children.

I'm chatting with my husband online as I write this and I was just saying to him that I missed being childless. I noted my lack of funds and how it was too hot to go anywhere today and also how I didn't have anywhere to go with Spencer right now and that maybe next week I could walk him around the mall in the stroller. He said this: "...you need to see thngs differently than you do, there are parks the river towns all kinds of places, but you think in terms of malls..."

Damn.
That's frigging profound.
My whole perspective on activity needs to include another person now.

We've also been talking about my role and how Spencer is not just my son but my job. My job that doesn't seem to end when Guy comes home. That sucks. I now have developed much more respect for stay-at-home moms. I mean, I don't know if it gets easier or harder or how much it depends on you and the child, but this is really hard. It's even harder to keep it in perspective.

When I was pregnant, I would say "Well, it's not like I'll have anywhere else to be. I will dedicate myself to my baby boy. How hard can that be?"
I was right - I DON'T have any place else to be. This really doesn't have to be a big deal. or DOES it? It's all about that delicate matter of perspective. The challenge of all this isn't about parenting, per se. It's about keeping your whole life in perspective - your future goals, your past, your hang-ups, your stress points, your desires, your freedom, your fears...it all changes. It has to change.

We interrupt this ponderance for a Mental Fart:

Right now I'm listening to a music channel on the satellite instead of watching tv. It's called "Soundscapes". You can pretty much guess what it is...atmospheric, often Celtic flavored sounds and music, to place yourself in that foresty-earthy-fairy-like "Lord of the Rings" type mood. I put it on because one of those child development books suggests music or sounds like it to have on around the baby. Spencer is napping away in his bouncy seat to the beat of a harp and flute. Right now there's a flutey version of something that reminds me of "She's Leaving Home" by the Beatles. If you're interested, it's called "Gardens of the Sun" by someone or some group called Georgia Kelly. Oy vey.

Oh also, today I watched Days of Our Lives for the first time in like 10 years or more. Acting=BAD, Plot Lines=Really Bad, Makeup=THE WORST!
I swear, one actor's face and neck were one flesh color and his chest was reddish - his real skin tone. It was painful to see. Then again, I watched Dr. Phil yesterday. How do they get all that makeup around that mustache? Yech. People on TV wear so much makeup, it's astounding. I've done some on camera work and it's incredible how much makeup they put on you. Everytime I watch tv and people hug, I wonder how they keep from getting makeup on eachother's clothing.

Know who else wears too much makeup? Bob Barker. I've taken to Price is Right. I don't know why, but it's fun to try to figure out how much hot tubs, old school styled bedroom sets and trips to Tahiti cost. People are dumb though. When the final bid showdown comes up, people almost always underbid by thousands and thousands. How much do you think a new Ford SUV and trip to say Puerto Vallarta in Mexico cost? At LEAST 30K, right? People on the show bid like 20K and think they're close when Bob reads 43K on the card.
Ahhh, if only I was the bidder!

It's time to wake up Spencer from his afternoon nap. He really is a little angel baby. We decided this last night. Now if only he'd poop.

Nice Lungs(Continued) and Baby Zen

I've been spending quite alot of time getting to know my son.
One real challenge has been learning his cries.
All the books about child rearing have paragraphs dedicated to fussiness and crying. One thing I see repeatedly is how I am supposed to be able to tell the difference between hungry cries, pain cries, fussy cries, "change my diaper" cries, and so forth.

So far I can tell when his diaper is wet and when he's hungry. Everything else sounds like he's in incredible pain or hates me (see post below from Sunday for more on relentless crying).

Last night, Guy was working late so I took on dinner and caring for Spence while we waited. Magically at around 630pm, Spencer started what I refer to as "Something Is Bothering Me But For The Life of Me I Don't Know What" crying. He was off and on with the crying and by 8pm I had to take drastic measures or I would not have dinner ready for Guy. I read an article on crying and fussiness from the Mayo Clinic on CNN.com

I put Spence down in his bassinet and planned to leave him there for 15-20 minutes to see if he'd cry himself to sleep or calm down. I had the baby monitor on in the kitchen and watched Crying Spencer TV for 20 minutes while making spaghetti. It was intensely frustrating to say the least. Why would I subject myself to this? I don't know. I couldn't turn it off. He'd cry and scream and then calm down, take a few breaths and start all over again. Now THAT'S reality tv.

At the end of the 20 minutes I made Guy and I a plate of food each, wrapped in in tin foil and ran upstairs to check Spencer and make sure all was well other than the screaming. As I picked him up to check his diaper, Guy came home. Spencer seemed calm and normal to him, which is of course how it works when you're home all day with your baby. However, Spencer did calm just enough for us to eat and then operated on "semi-fussy" mode until his next feeding at 930.

My experience suggests that it may have been ok to let him cry. My gut and emotional oversensitivity suggests that it might be smart to take a Percoset 20 minutes before I do it again so that I don't feel like a terrible mother.

I've been so wrapped up in the day-to-day minutiae that I've had trouble getting to write about the little things...like today when I took him to the doctor for a check up (11.5 lbs and 23 inches, thank you very much) and he was a perfect little angel the whole time, and then took him to visit my old boss and he seemed to take to new environments without a fuss. I'm proud of my little man. Or how in the mornings I wake up bleary and tired but then my son's little adorable face is awake and bright and I'm filled with a ton of love for him like I can't explain.

There's also something Guy said that really stuck with me relating to my own personal neuroses: When you have a baby there are things that have to be done. There can be no worrying or projecting about it, it just has to be done and that's all there is. It makes one much calmer ultimately because there's no time to alternately wonder and worry. So, what will I do if he gets hungry when we're out? Feed him. What will I do if his diaper is wet? Change him. How and Where and When, etc. will fall into place. With a baby, certain things just are, and that's all.



Sunday June 13
Nice Lungs

It is 850pm, Sunday night. My son has been in his bassinet crying for the last 15-20 minutes. My husband and I are letting him cry. Guy has a hearing on Tuesday he has to prepare for and I am exhausted and need to rest cause he has to be in at work early tomorrow morning and neither of us can figure out what needs to be done for our son.

We're hating ourselves. Spencer has been fed, taken for a walk, changed repeatedly, put in warm clothes and swaddled. If we pick him up to carry him around he stops crying briefly then starts again. It's amazing.

I once had a voice teacher who explained to me how when we're children, our voices are pure and unaffected by self-consciousness; we scream with abandon when we have needs, regardless of who hears us. Our voices are strong because they come from deep within us and we have no conscious plan to scream. It just comes as we breathe. Amazingly as we grow and become self-aware, we also lose a little of our voices because thought comes into it - how loud we speak, how we hold our bodies: Women more specifically because of the attention brought by our upper bodies. Women actually tend to be a little more protective and hunch the shoulders.

Right now, my son is screaming and crying with that abandon and it's breaking my heart. I want to hold him and comfort him and I know it won't really do any good, will it? My instincts tell me to go to him and I have no idea if I'm spoiling him or not. It's killing me. Time to call some friends for a consensus...

All Roads Lead to Fussytown

Parenting an infant means today may very well be absolutely NOTHING like the day before.

Yesterday Spencer spent almost the entire day crying to the point of utter hysteria. The normal obsession with his bladder and colon behavior became consumption as he did not have a movement all day. I cursed Guy for changing formulas in the middle of the night (he seems to take measures I do not approve of when I am sleeping), and cursed the whole day as I could not take a shower or really do anything without crying. I couldn't leave his side basically and it was horrible - I could have let him cry cause everyone tells you to - that infants just need to cry, but I couldn't stand it. I worried that something was hurting or making him uncomfortable and I didn't want him to be alone. I was like a zombie by the time Guy came home and he insisted that I take time for myself and actually go somewhere. I didn't know if I could actually leave the house, but then he pooed. This relieved me so much I cried. Infact, I sobbed with joy.

I then went out for my first drive alone since I was pregnant. It's been almost a month since I drove my car. It was weird getting out. I felt like an astronaut landing on the moon. It was also 9pm at night and I was exhausted.

All I wanted to do was pick up some wheat bread. On two separate occasions during my recovery and seclusion, both my mother and my husband tried to go out and get some wheat bread with the groceries and they both brought back the kind which is full of grainy nuggets.
YUCK.

First stop was Borders, where Guy and I should be treated like royalty at this poing for all the money we've spent there over the last 5 years. I walked in and as I made my way to the magazine rack to look for Q, I suddenly realized I haven't read anything (save an article in the NY Times about David Sedaris while eating a bowl of cereal) in like two weeks.
I walked around the store trying to imagine what I would possibly be sitting down to enjoy any time soon. I bought some poetry by Bukowski (it is my mission to own every book of his), Sid & Nancy and This Is Spinal Tap on DVD. Oh, and some thank you cards, and a little book for Spencer. Normally I'd figure out all sorts of stuff, but I couldn't really think. I felt I'd be more useful if I went and picked up groceries we needed. I don't think I've ever been so conscious of my use of time.

Going to the supermarket seemed much more logical when all was said and done.
Especially since I couldn't get the wheat bread out of my mind. I also picked up more pacifiers since the ones we have keep finding refuge in Guy's bathrobe pockets. I think I could probably spend much more time at Superfresh or Genuardis than in Borders.

When I came home, Spencer was sleeping and Guy was working. I was delerious.
Guy thought he'd discovered that Spencer absolutely prefers to be wrapped up tightly in a bundle. It seems to make him go to sleep. Not sure though. Every day we think we've figured out what it is that will keep him from screaming bloody murder. One day it's the sling. The next day it's a pinky. The day after that, Extreme Swaddling, today, I think it's the combination of all those things.

I will not acknowledge the "mix and match" formula and milk feedings as contributing to Spencer's ability to nap today. It appears I will have to stay up all night to make sure his late night feedings are kept consistent, otherwise, some people in this house might try Absinthe and hot chocolate.

One good note: We gave him his third bath last night, and he didn't cry a note. He was the perfect baby in the bath. I think mothers are more predisposed to osteoporosis due to the amount of shoulder shrugging they do.
It's all we seem to be able to do with these strange little lovey beings in our midst turning everything we know upside down.

Fashion Note for the day: Mothers need the fashionable equivalent of the toolbelt. Most sweatpants and leisurely outfits for home don't have pockets so you need something to be able to carry things like tissues and pacifiers etc. when you're up and about the house.

"Enlightenment"

Here are some "new mom proverbs" I wish to impart to you...

-When you find yourself in the bathroom brushing your teeth and realize you're in no hurry to check on the baby because someone else has him/her, pause and reflect.

-There are no support Web sites for Cesarean sections, hence there are no "Simple Exercises for Women Who've Had Cesarean sections" pages or advice columns.

-You too may experience a "flop over belly" after giving birth. Do not be afraid.

-Television is only helpful during breastfeeding because you don't have to try to hold it.

-New mothers and fraternity brothers have something in common:
Women who nurse are advised to drink at least 16 ounces of water at every feeding. If you couldn't "shotgun" a beer in college, you will be able to soon, as guzzling water will become as much a habit as belching.

-Try to get outside.

-The A-Line** is a good shape.

-If suddenly it's completely quiet in the house, it means you should probably be napping.

-It is difficult to nurse and not expose yourself. Decide early on how you feel about showing the world your breasts. OR, wait until you're in the hospital and nurses will help you decide by pulling your breasts out in front of whoever else happens to be in the room when you're supposed to attempt nursing.

-Try not to "hover".

-Music used in documentaries, nature programs or dramas with touching interludes will very likely cause unexpected emotions and tears. It is your body's way of tuning in to the "Hallmark Moment". This does not mean you should start collecting Hummel figurines.

-Children are the future, AND they are also a massive cause of pollution.
Why? DIAPERS.

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**An A-line (or Princess) waistline is fitted at the bodice and then flares out to the skirt. This is one of the few waistlines that compliments virtually any body type.